Sports

Actually, I visited this idea once before. It was shortly after Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman was sworn into office in 1999 that I floated the possibility of our city someday hosting the Summer Games. After all, we have easy access, plenty of hotel rooms, more food than most Third World nations and a night life to keep every visiting Afghani to Zimbabwean screaming for more.

Where I made my mistake back then, however, was suggesting traditional Olympic events at nontraditional Las Vegas sites. No, no ... NO!

Rather, we should come up with our own "version" of the Olympics. Something truly indigenous to the Entertainment Capital of the World.

With that in mind, let me present the events of the Games of Las Vegas Olympiad I:

Platform booze diving: Leaving their car keys at the door, contestants do a pike-and-somersault face-first into pitchers of their favorite alcoholic beverage. Degrees of difficulty range from a 1.0 for Coors Light to 10.0 for a Naked Surfer on Acid.

Blackjack discus: Athletes see how far they can fling their cards back onto the table in disgust after busting on a $100 hand. Points are deducted, however, for cursing out the dealer, who, we are reminded, only turns over the cards.

Downhill betting: Losing means winning in this popular table event. Contestants see how fast they can squander their bankroll by splitting face cards, taking the dealer's bust card and, once substantially behind, playing the aggressive "double-up-to-catch-up."

Two-man video poker bobsled: Husband-and-wife teams monopolize specific video poker machines they "just know are going to hit big," trading off only when one or the other has to run to the john.

Fifty-meter Strip dash: This sport requires athletes to dart across Las Vegas Boulevard South, outside the safety of a crosswalk, during the height of tourist traffic congestion. Think playing Frogger ... for keeps.

Four-by-100-meter cab-fare relay: In this team event, the goal is to see how many passengers can be squeezed into a taxi for the ride from McCarran airportcq to the MGM Grand. The losing teams aren't the only ones upset; so, too, are the cabbies who waited at the airport taxi stand for more than an hour just to take a party a distance that could have been walked.

Fremont Street speed walking: With the canopy of the Fremont Street Experience as a dramatic backdrop, athletes walk as fast as they can from Fremont Street to Eastern Avenue, while trying to sidestep panhandlers, step over drunks and avoid stepping in with a speed walker's greatest nemesis: the streetwalker.

"Finger" skating: Competitors "race" northbound up Interstate 15 during rush hour by successfully negotiating near-collision lane changes, all the while saluting those who won't cut them slack by exhibiting an extended middle finger.

Buffet marathon: Contestants have 26.2 hours to eat as much food as possible at one of our local buffet troughs. Food must come from each of Las Vegas' four basic food groups: Southern fried, red meat, heavy sauces and any dessert with the word "cream" in it.

Hurling: Not to be confused with that Olympic winter sport in which competitors pitch a stone, this event involves tossing cookies ‹ as well as Southern fried foods, red meats, heavy sauces and any dessert with the word "cream" in it.

Horizontal pole vault: Topless female athletes contort and spin their bodies around a long vertical pole to the beat of loud -- and bad -- '80s music, then throw themselves horizontally across a stage to where wide-eyed French judges are seated with fistfuls of $1 bills. Host site? Olympic Garden, naturally.

Ice hooker: Going for the gold here actually means going for your gold card. Competitors sitting in a hotel lounge with high-heeled and high-rolling ladies of the evening try to score by spending the least amount. Visa is the only card accepted at these games.

Hotel room gymnastics: This pairs event, in which the man pays a minimum of $100 to compete and is instructed to leave his entry fee on top of the dresser, is judged both in technical proficiency and artistic talent categories. The woman's uniform is made of cheap perfume, while the man's uniform can be made of latex or lambskin. Sequins on either is optional.

There you have it, world. Let the Games begin!

C'mon, Las Vegas, go for the gold!