Come one! Come all!

Bring us your trashy, your schlocky, your bizarre. Give us your made-for-TV, your pay-per-phooey! -- your wham! bam! that's-a-scam! sporting events.

The gates to Las Vegas have swung open, America. Just back up your U-Haul and start unloading.

If it'll make us a dime, we'll welcome you with open arms. Red carpet and showgirls, too!

No, no, we aren't riding the sugar-high of too much cream pie at the media buffet trough. Just being realistic.

Now that Las Vegas has struck out, clanked a free throw, shanked a field goal, misfired the ol' biscuit into the basket in its attempt to land one of the Big Four of professional team sports, it's time the city embraced what it does well -- for that matter, what it has always done well:

Turn a spectacle into the spectacular.

But rather than limiting ourselves to the legitimate, the respectable -- such as world title fights, NASCAR racing, the PGA Tour and the National Finals Rodeo, among others -- it's time we lower our standards.

Reeeeally lower our standards. We're talking to the level of "Hookers on Ice: Breaking the Law With the Camel Spin."

Here's the point: If Screech is going to box Horshack in a made-for-TV spectacle, then it should take place in one of our spectacular boxing arenas.

If professional eaters are going to chow down on hot dogs, sticks of butter and jars of goopy mayonnaise, then it should be held in one of our grand showrooms. And if man is going to race a giraffe, then, by God, it had better be contested on the Strip with bright neon as the backdrop!

Any one-of-a-kind "sport" that Fox TV can contrive should be televised out of this one-of-a-kind city. That goes for the other networks, and cable, too.

Which means we should be pandering to the organizers of these nontraditional events. After all, their money spends as well as those of pro team sports.

Wrestlemania? Book it.

World's Strongest Man Competition? Schedule it -- every year.

The U.S. Lawn Mower Racing Association Championships? Oh, we've got golf courses.

And we shouldn't stop there, Las Vegas.

If there's a championship for barefoot water-skiing, for log-rolling, for elephants playing soccer -- yes, that "sport" really exists -- then we should be hosting it. And making money off of it.

No matter how weird or warped, no matter how brutish or brutal, no matter how crass or crude. In fact, Tonya Harding should be as welcome to box here as Celine Dion is to sing.

If major-league team sports are going to look down their collective noses at us ... well, we say let's give them something to stare at!

And let's thumb our noses back at those haughty sports leagues by posting odds on the events we do host.

The truth is, for all of Oscar Goodman's spirited efforts as mayor, Las Vegas isn't going to get a team in the NBA, NFL, NHL or Major League Baseball anytime soon. Sports betting -- legal, policed sports betting -- is leprosy to these organizations.

Never mind that illegal sports betting, at a much greater magnitude, takes place in the very cities where these leagues have teams. Details, details. These leagues only see what they want to see.

And they see our community as a 1.3 million-person leper colony.

If we're not wanted -- which we're clearly not -- let's stop crying over not being wanted. Let's stop pining over the prettiest girl in school and, instead, ask out the one who will have us.

Let's court the trashy, the schlocky and the bizarre. Who knows, she may be more fun, anyway.