There was a time when I’d stumble across a marathon of “The Real Housewives of Orange County” (9 p.m. Mondays) and emerge, many hours later, bleary-eyed and thoroughly entertained.
But that was several years ago. Back when I’d still flip channels and could stumble across marathons. And back when the whole franchise seemed more amusing than abhorrent.
Still, I checked back in, and here are the seven dumbest moments from Monday’s ninth (ninth!) season premiere:
1) Heather and her husband are building a 20,000-square-foot mansion with eight bedrooms, 13 bathrooms and a spacious beauty salon for them and their four small children. And they complain about the indignity of having to live on a cul-de-sac while it’s being built.
2) While touring new housewife Shannon Beador’s home, Heather declares that, “the marble in her bathroom looks like a woman’s pelvic anatomy.”
3) Shannon wastes no time making an impact. “We have no wireless in our house,” she says, “because that produces electromagnetic radiation.” Unlike, say, her computers, TV remotes, garage door openers, cellphones, cordless phones …
4) Tamra, working out in a vest with a fur-lined hood, takes another opportunity to lash out at her nemesis. “Gretchen is a narcissistic compulsive liar that is basically dead to me,” Tamra vents. She’s also no longer on the show. As the great Adele Dazeem sang during the Oscars, isn’t it time to “Let It Go”?
5) Vicki’s daughter, Briana, is pregnant again. Visiting her, Vicki walks over to the sonogram attached to the refrigerator and asks, “Is this the baby?” On a sonogram? Why, whatever would give you that idea?
6) Briana’s husband is being transferred to Oklahoma, leading to this Vicki rant: “Oklahoma’s an invisible state. Nobody ever talks about Oklahoma. I think it’s a forgotten state. We’ve never been to Oklahoma. I don’t know anybody from Oklahoma. I don’t even know what kind of food they eat in Oklahoma.”
7) Vicki mistakes plumeria, which is a flowering plant, for chlamydia, which is most certainly not.