Kathy Griffin is fired up today. She is dealing with death threats from Demi Lovato fans. Meanwhile, she’s planning a documentary about her “93-year-old alcoholic mother.”
Let’s start with the death threats. (Griffin performs stand-up Friday at The Mirage.)
“I actually made a joke where I called the singer Demi Lovato ‘douchey,’ and then I got death threats to rival anything (Russian President Vladimir) Putin is dealing with,” Griffin said.
Kids are to blame. Twitter is their word weapon.
“Many of these 12-year-old girls who were in a very detailed way threatening my life, if you would go on their Twitter profile, it would say, ‘#bullyfreezone,’ but saying, ‘I want to rape Kathy Griffin while her family watches.’ ”
Griffin said the police had to get involved, because “Lovatics” are even crazier than “Beliebers,” “Directioners” and “Mileytosis.”
“My fans are called Katheters, which I think is a lot more clever and relatable, because at some point we’re all going to need one,” she said.
By the way, Griffin calls Justin Bieber “Justine,” so I might too, from now on.
As for Griffin’s mom: Maggie Griffin earned some fame on her daughter’s old TV hit, “My Life on the D List.”
“I’m about to start a project,” Griffin said. “My fan base will probably be more excited about this than anything in the world. I’m going to start a documentary about my mother, Maggie.
“You don’t get more vitality than in your beloved Maggie Griffin screaming at the television, whether she’s watching Judge Judy, or Fox News, or the Kardashians, halfway through a box of wine.”
This will be news to her mom.
“I haven’t technically told my mom that she’s making this movie,” Griffin said.
Griffin is also miffed about another thing. Broadcast TV networks just reorganized late-night talk shows without hiring female hosts.
“When are you going to do a story about how another dude got the job for network late night?” she said. “Where the (expletive) is that story?”
“There hasn’t been a female in nightly network since Joan Rivers” had one three decades ago, she said.
Griffin makes a case for herself.
“I have two Emmys, a Grammy for best comedy album, a Guinness Book of World Records for the most stand-up comedy specials, two years of my own talk show on Bravo. I guess that doesn’t mean anything,” she said.
She can’t believe Neil Patrick Harris turned down an offer for one of those late shows.
“I find that so amusing that anybody in Hollywood would take what potentially could be an amazing piece of real estate and be like, ‘Well, I don’t feel like it.’ ” she said. “Well, I feel like it. I don’t care if they put me on at 1:30 in the morning.”
It might take a collection of women to pitch a network show, because oftentimes, networks listen to collectives rather than to individuals’ making a case for inclusion.
But Griffin said networks don’t necessarily care about groups of women.
“Right after I got to be the sidekick on ‘Suddenly Susan,’ I pitched everywhere in town a show like the modern-day ‘Golden Girls,’ with myself and three other women,” she said. “I couldn’t get any traction. Zero. I’m just glad to hear nothing has progressed, nothing has changed.”
Griffin would like women to roar louder.
“That’s why I love the gay community so much. They really are loud about these issues,” she said. “And the African-American community is loud about these issues. But women, we are the silent majority at 51 percent of the population, and no one’s really noticing.”
Griffin told me to remind you her Mirage show will be fun, not heavy like this TV network rant.
Just don’t take a photo of her without applying a beautifying app that filters age wear from her face, she said.
“My goal is to look like a fetus, if I can,” she said. “It’s no longer enough to look a little better in a photo, or do a little Photoshop. You basically have to look like ‘Alien,’ and just be eyes and a smile, and maybe two nostrils.”
Doug Elfman’s column appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org. He blogs at reviewjournal.com/elfman.