Lady Gaga always looks like she’s having a good time, doesn’t she?
Wearing beef dresses, getting barfed upon live on stage in Texas, stripping down to her bra and panties at Mets games — the 28-year-old just knows how to live life, you know?
We totally want to get in on the fun.
To this end, we have looked to Lady Gaga’s latest album, “Artpop,” for inspiration on how to get the most out of each and every day.
With Gaga bringing her “ArtRave: The Artpop Ball” tour to Las Vegas this weekend for the first of two shows (she returns Aug. 1) we thought we’d share some of the lessons we learned.
Let’s call it better living through Lady Gaga:
Always make a grand entrance
On the Daft Punk-worthy nouveau disco of “Fashion!,” Gaga speaks about the importance of making one’s presence felt immediately upon crossing any threshold.
“Step into the room / Like it’s catwalk,” she instructs coolly over a rubbery bass line, her words like ice cubes chilling a warm beverage.
Gaga’s message: Always carry one’s self like a supermodel, even if the only modeling you’re suited for is as the before-guy in an ad for psoriasis cream.
If you’re a dude, this means going shirtless and staring off in the distance with a distracted look, as if something really interesting is happening on the horizon that only you can see, such as a couple of unicorns getting it on while Bigfoot thumb wrestles David Duchovny.
If you’re a lady, this means sucking in your cheeks and glaring at anyone who dares make eye contact with you, looking perpetually agitated and slightly confused, like a “Jersey Shore” cast member at a spelling bee.
Still need a little help boosting your self-esteem?
Just close your eyes and pretend to be us.
Act like a pig, From time to time
Some members of the fairer sex dismiss men as pigs, arguing that guys are really only interested in their hot, luscious bodies and that they don’t really take the time to hear what women have to say.
Or something like that.
We weren’t really listening, to be honest.
Gaga, however, sounds a different note.
“Be a swine / Just for the weekend,” she urges on “Swine.”
“Be that hog, sweat it out,” she commands.
Now, that’s some sage advice.
Gaga seemingly indulges in every whim, and so should you — especially when it comes to your animal impulses.
Now, off with those pants.
Sex panthers wear no khakis.
Especially when standing in the checkout line at Albertsons.
Be good to Mom
You should love and appreciate the woman who brought you into this world, and not just because she had to smother all her hopes and dreams upon your birth like Chief suffocating McMurphy at the end of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.”
No, you should treat her well because, in doing so, you just might be able to win the heart of a certain Lady who won’t be able to hide her desire for you with even her best p-p-p-oker face.
“And then he asked me / He said, ‘Baby, why do we love each other?’ ” Gaga sings on “Gypsy,” explaining how to inflame her passions. “I said, ‘Honey, it’s simple. It’s the way that you love and treat your mother.’ ”
Fist bump for Mama.
Don’t know about you guys, but we’re feeling pretty good about our chances here, seeing as how gracious and giving we are toward ol’ Moms.
Why, just this past Mother’s Day, we got her that Xbox 360 that she stupidly failed to buy us for Christmas even though we told her like a thousand times how much we wanted one.
What’s more, we even hooked it up at our place, so that she can play it when she comes over to empty the cat box and warm us a glass of milk before sleepy time.
Top that, Gaga suitors.
Never mind the detractors
Don’t you just hate critics?
Seriously, what do they know, with their words and sentences and stuff?
Gaga knows how handle the nitpickers.
“Write what you want / Say what you want ’bout me,” she sings on “Do What U Want,” verbally flipping the bird at loathsome music journalists. “If you’re wondering / Know that I’m not sorry.”
Her point: Never apologize for being yourself, no matter how others may attempt to judge you and your actions.
The guy who wrote this article, for instance, when was the last time he rocked a seashell bikini while exclaiming “Don’t you know my ass is famous?” like Gaga does while performing “Venus” on her current tour?
Yeah, well, Gaga does it every damn night.
Time to head to the comments section online and let the dude know how you really feel.
Contact reporter Jason Bracelin at firstname.lastname@example.org or 702-383-0476. Follow @JasonBracelin on Twitter.