Goodman threatens Great American Pastime, makes children weep

  Mayor Oscar Goodman, a man for whom “the bottom of the fifth” has
multiple meanings, broke his own personal record Wednesday for worst
first pitch thrown
at Cashman Field.

  Baseball fans are still buzzing about Goodman’s attempt to throw out
the first pitch at the Cubs-White Sox exhibition game.

  They're asking, "Did he really do that on purpose?"

  Just how poorly did he throw?

  Well, your great grandmother can throw a shot put farther.

  You can throw your great grandmother farther.

  I am told from reliable witnesses that the mayor, flanked by his
leggy entourage of showgirls and well into Happy Hour, unleashed a
dribbler that didn’t leave the mound. The ball maybe traveled six feet
before coming to rest like a spurned Easter egg in front of the
dumbfounded sellout crowd.

  We already knew Goodman’s no Koufax. A few years ago, Goodman
dressed in the uniform of his beloved Phillies and let loose a ball
that slipped out of his hand, banged off his big toe, and caromed
toward first base. He eventually managed to steer the horsehide in the
general direction of home plate, but the pitch immediately became the
worst result in the history of the field.

  I’ve seen more lively wings in a KFC bucket.

  I’ve seen drool fall from a moron’s chin at a higher velocity.

  On Wednesday night, he made all previous efforts look like a Walter
Johnson highlight reel.

  The pitch was so bad it was immediately rumored that ESPN planned to
use it on their “worst of” Bottom 10. Apparently the pitch was so
awful it even fell below the sports network’s forgiving standards, and
this is a group that will show a clip from a cow chip-tossing contest
on a slow night.

  So now I hear CBS grabbed the clip and planned to run it Sunday
morning, meaning that Goodman’s groomers managed to quickly turn his
Bingo Long impression into a million bucks’ worth of advertising.

  The thing is, Oscar Goodman is a huge sports fan. He watches sports,
bets sports, dreams of sports, has sports memorabilia in his office,
and even keeps a photo of his Philly moment on the wall.

  As a kid in Philadelphia, he played baseball in the street, pickup
basketball games against a variety of great players, and is even
rumored to have played a little center on the Haverford College
football team.

  “Let’s put it this way. There were either too many showgirls or too
much gin,” Goodman said. “That’s the only excuse.

  “Everyone’s talking about it. Schoolkids are crying about it. They
were in tears. I brought children to tears. It was a horrible
experience, probably the lowest point of my political career.”

  It does, however, give the community an excellent reason to gather
together and vote to tear down Cashman Field – or bulldoze the
pitcher’s mound at the very least.

  Anything to erase that memory.