Norm Macdonald bet on tens of thousands of hands while gambling online. So when Internet gambling died, he was left with a lot of time to kill.
"It leaves a big God-sized hole in your computer, once that goes away. You've gotta figure out how to use those six hours a day," he says.
"I went to (online) porn for a while, and then very quickly became inured to it. I backed way off it, because it's hard to go back to a regular life after that crazy stuff."
So I can give you two reasons to see Macdonald's stand-up gigs Friday and Saturday at The Orleans.
No. 1: He's one of the funniest comics alive.
No. 2: He plans to gamble hard in Vegas, therefore he will repurpose your ticket-money by reinvesting it in Vegas' gambling economy.
"I'll probably bet my stupid future bets" here this weekend, Macdonald says.
"I like future bets, because I have a bet going at all times. Even when I'm not gambling, I'm gambling.
"It's like a slow drip."
For instance, he'll probably place a future bet on the Philadelphia Eagles to win the Super Bowl.
"And then, every time I see a little (news) with the Eagles, I can get excited or depressed."
Macdonald could also gamble with money he is earning as the spokesman for a car insurance company.
Do you know what's funny about that? Macdonald, a Canadian living in California, has never gotten a driver's license.
"I know, that's so weird," he says and laughs. "When I went to do their commercials, they had a couple where I was driving a car. I had to tell them I didn't drive a car."
He once made a movie with Dave Chappelle, and Macdonald had to film a scene where he was driving, but that caused issues.
"I couldn't drive a car, so they hooked it up to the back of a truck," he says. "And then I fell asleep. The director didn't even see it until they were looking at the dailies.
"And then when I do the moves on the steering wheel, the moves are so exaggerated, it looks ridiculous."
The obvious next question is: What does Macdonald show people when they ask to see his personal ID? Answer: green card.
"It puzzles them. It looks like I'm a federal agent or something."
Doug Elfman's column appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org. He blogs at reviewjournal.com/elfman.