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Rudner on relationships: Nothing is perfect
By Len Butcher
With all of the great and varied entertainment Las Vegas has to offer, there are only three shows that feature stand-up comedians and only one of them stars a female. But this isn't just any woman. I'm talking about Rita Rudner, who just inked a three-year extension to her present agreement with Harrah's. Her material focuses on men/women relationships without any off-color jokes or four-letter words. I recently talked to her about her own relationship with husband Martin Bergman, which she admits, has been good for both of them.
Her first words to me after returning home from taking her daughter to school, were, "Every morning is like being shot out of a cannon. But don't get me wrong, I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
She laughs when she hears of singles looking for the perfect match.
"Nothing is perfect. Here's a bit of advice to them and it's from a joke my mother told me: 'You have to accept the other person for who they are and pretend they are someone else.' I have friends who are still single because they have a list and they have to check off the list. The trouble with that is that you have to be more open to who comes along and open to different people because once you've got a list, you are limiting yourself to who you will be able to have a relationship with.
"I eventually married a man who was living in Australia at the time. That was 20 years ago. So you can't say, oh my gosh, I never thought I'd marry anyone who lived on a different continent or anyone who is in show business. So throw away your list."
She admits that physical attraction can overcome a lot of things, "which is nature's plan when you meet, then you overlook things, then they don't appear, hopefully, until 30 or 40 years later. That's when you focus on them, when you're older and by then you're glued together with superglue, hopefully.
"For instance, I am very scattered and it drives my husband crazy because I can lose the same things in my handbag three times in a minute. I don't know how I do it. I can put my keys in, lose them, find them and it's annoying. I'm an annoying person, but we're so together that he has no choice but to stay with me. When it comes to cooking, I make like three dishes that he likes, but he does not want to train another wife at this point in his life.
"So you just go with it. It's really boring to have someone in your life that doesn't have things wrong with them. It gives you things to deal with. Who wants a smooth sail all the time? You've got to have some choppiness, break it up."
Rudner says it didn't click right away with her and her husband, because they worked together for a couple of years before they dated.
"He produced comedy shows and hired me and I always liked him and stayed in touch with him. I think it should begin with 'like.' If it begins with 'like' then you've got a good shot. If it begins with 'love' than it's going to cool off. Know the person as a person.
"I know a couple of people that married after they met at slot machines -- didn't work out. You can't marry someone on the spur of the moment. It took time for me but everybody's different. But I knew I liked him before I loved him. He hired me to do the Edinburgh Festival in Scotland and then shows in London and I did tours in Australia.
"It was fun because he lived in Australia and I lived in LA, so we commuted nice, short commute that we did for about a year. His proposal was very romantic. He was visiting me in LA and he looked at his VISA that was about to expire and said, 'Let's get married.' So there I was, Miss Green Card. Just call me Rita Green Card."
She calls Martin "very funny and very trustworthy and handsome and loyal and smart. It's not often that you find someone like that. Luckily, I can be very funny and tell jokes but I'm very scattered and he's very centered. We always laugh at the same things and even though we grew up in different countries, we had the same frames of reference, movies, books, everything.
"I think you have to be honest with the other person and have loads of things in common."
Rudner says she likes someone else doing things, "but then I was on my own for such a long time. I didn't get married 'til I was 30 and up to then I had always had to make my own decisions. But that didn't mean I had to assert myself because I wanted things my way. We compromise. But he's a stronger personality than I am, which I love.
"For me, it worked perfectly when we were both ready. Some people don't get it right the first time; they get it right the second time. Some people get married at 18 and it lasts. But that's a hard one. We haven't changed that much now -- who we were when we married each other, we're still those people. If I'd married any other people before Martin, it would have been a disaster. I know that."
Rudner says she doesn't like people who are insecure. 'Do you love me, do you like this ...?' "Just go along like things are going very well and things will go very well. It becomes an issue when someone constantly needs to be reassured. Everyone has annoying habits. When I met my husband, he smoked. I couldn't stand smoke but I never ever said, 'Stop smoking.' And one day he just quit. He didn't want to do it any more, but if I would have said, 'you can't do this,' it would have been a big deal. No, no, he did not know how I felt. I never mentioned it.
"Most of the people that come to see me are either in a relationship, had been in a relationship or are going to be in one, that's just human nature. Everyone can relate to a partnership. That's why I love to do my act and I love when I see people elbowing each other and saying 'you blame me when you lose your keys.' 'You put too many pillows on the bed-those things. I always tell my husband, Œyou can marry a different one and she's going to have the same annoying habits.' "
She says that when they have a night off they watch a basketball or football game or a movie in their home theater and have a glass of wine.
"It's really good. I like that. I don't want to get dressed and go out. I do that every night."
For a romantic holiday, Rudner says they bought a beach house in Laguna "that we love. Tomorrow we have a meeting in LA and we're sneaking there for a day."
Add one more thing.
"My husband and I are always looking for new endeavors. I'm now a partner in a new handbag company. It's called Cambiere Borsellino -- means 'changeable handbag' in Italian. Really a good idea. It has three different covers so instead of changing your handbag, you just change the cover. There's a day bag, evening bag and upscale. You'd never know it's a cover that came off. It takes about a second to change and it's great for traveling because they lay flat. You can take a look by going to CambiereBorsellino.com.
"I think it's wonderful because it can save a lot of marriages, because a man thinks of divorce very often when she is changing her handbag from one to the other. That's the highest instance of couples having divorce discussions. I've done the survey."
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