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Movie coaches to help you prep for college football


College football starts this week, which means there are a lot of us who are basically just zombies getting through our days until kick-off.

All this excitement has got us thinking about how we could use some coaching to get through this week. We could all use some guidance on how to keep our composure until game day, and we think there are a few coaches out there that could help.

Here are four movie coaches that can teach us all a thing or two to get us through this long, long week.

Coach Jimmy Dugan — A League of Their Own

Jimmy Dugan is an ex-big leaguer who now coaches the Rockford Peaches, a professional women’s baseball team.

Dugan, much like most of the coaches on this list, is unorthodox at best. He may be battling a hangover and have the patience of a baby bird, but the man knows how to game plan.

Dugan can help you this week by planning your week to keep you as distracted as possible so that you’ll almost forget that kick-off is still a few days away. The only downside is if you start to cry he will viciously remind you that your team will disappoint you this season no matter what you do.

Don’t make him angry.

Coach Gordon Bombay — The Mighty Ducks

Coach Gordon Bombay is a high-powered lawyer who took on the responsibility of coaching the youth hockey team the Ducks because a court order said he had to.

The upside with Bombay is that even though he was forced into the coaching gig he totally embraced it. Which means he’ll totally be there for you when you find yourself locked in a small room with no windows as you mark out X’s on a calendar waiting for the season to get underway.

Coach Bombay will get your mind where it needs to be and keep you training up until game day, with a few fun activities thrown in as well. This guy also knows how to draw up great plays, like the Flying V.

That means he’ll be able to put something together that will enable you to simultaneously heat up nachos, pour yourself a drink and dish ice cream without ever taking your eyes off the screen. It’ll take practice to do this without pulling a hammy or suffering a heart attack, but Bombay will get you ready.

The main downside with Coach Bombay is that once his community service is up he becomes a wild card as to whether he’s going to stick around or not.

Coach Irv Blitzer — Cool Runnings

Coach Irv Blitzer was living the high life in Jamaica believing he’d left the bobsledding life behind him. Then he saw a group of sprinters and got an idea. The rest was history.

Coach Irv managed to train four guys who had never seen snow into gold-medal- caliber bobsledders. Now, imagine what he can do for you this week.

He can train you to go from a sitting-at-home-alone-watching-the-game guy to hosting-the-kick-off-party-of-the-century guy. Yeah, he’s that good.

This man will have you believing that you can accomplish anything as long as you’ve got the willpower, dedication and a lucky egg.

The main downside with Coach Irv is that for much of the training process you’ll wonder if he’s doing this because he really cares about you and wants to get back in the good graces with the IOC and is just using you as a means to an end. He should, however, prove to be a standup fella when all is said and done.

Coach Ed Gennero — Necessary Roughness

Coach Ed Gennero is the head coach of the Texas State Armadillos and this man knows how to tap into buried talent.

Coach Gennero was faced with the task of fielding a Division 1 football team with no scholarships. Not to worry Armadillo fans, Coach Gennero will make the impossible happen.

Coach Gennero managed to whip a handful of has-beens and sociopaths to take on and beat the No. 1 team in the country. That means you’re just a blank canvas to Gennero who will eventually see what you have to offer.

Coach Gennero will help you tap into a level of talent and commitment you never knew existed that will keep your spirits high until game day and throughout a season. The man will help you realize that your age doesn’t matter, because acting like a child when your team’s QB throws a pick six is your right and taunting your neighbor until your throat is sore when your team plays a tiny bit better is your duty.

Age and ability don’t matter to Gennero, only determination and confidence, which he’ll help you regain after your team loses and breaks your heart.

The main downside with Coach Gennero is that he’s constantly on the cusp of retirement and may bail on you at any moment, but it’s worth the risk.

 

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