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Foster the People’s flypaper-catchy tunes ought to be in commercials! Let us show you


Their tunes are catchy enough to double as TV jingles.

Is it any surprise, then, that Foster the People frontman Mark Foster created music for commercials early on in his career?

Still, the adrenalized alt-pop troupe has not fully capitalized on the potential windfall of advertising revenue that songs from their two albums, “Torches” and “Supermodel,” could garner.

No worries, we’re here to help.

To this end, we’ve matched a handful of the band’s songs up with potential endorsement opportunities.

Just remember us when you’re cashing all those checks, fellas.

Advertiser: Golden Corral

Song: “Coming of Age”

“Well, I see you standing there like a rabid dog,” this “Supermodel” single begins, targeting the preferred demographic for the buffet chain in question: folks who approach dinner Cujo style.

“And you got those crying eyes,” the tune continues.

Well, time to dry those tears on a mouthwatering turkey leg — dipped in chocolate!

Everything here is dipped in chocolate, even the furniture.

You can even have your kids dipped in chocolate —provided, of course, they meet posted height requirements.

Safety first; delicious, delicious children second.

Either way, eating at Golden Corral is like playing chicken with your digestive tract.

“You know I try to live without regrets” Foster sings as the song builds toward its first chorus.

You will need to try to do the same upon exiting this place.

As the Dalai Lama has been known to say, “Good luck with that, duderino.” (He’s not into the whole brevity thing).

Advertiser: Robocut Home Haircut System

Song: “Helena Beat”

And now, a serious message about the importance of maintaining a well-kept coif from “Helena Beat,” the rousing opening track on “Torches.”

“Sometimes, life it takes you by the hair / It pulls you down before you know it / It’s gone and you’re dead again.”

Whoa!

What did we ever do to you, life?

Except, you know, be totally awesome every single damn day and doubly-so on Saturday nights when we go shirtless and demand to be addressed as “Bod-zilla.”

Well, you can foil life’s B.S. agenda by making it that much harder for it to get a grip on your sweet mane thanks to the Robocut Home Haircut System

Yes, this is a real thing.

You just hook this bad boy up to your vacuum cleaner and bam!

You’re trim, and nothing’s getting a handle on your hair.

Take that, stupid, stupid life.

Advertiser: San Diego Tourist Authority

Song: “Fire Escape”

San Diego is such a kick-ass city, it’s like us in municipal form.

Thing is, though, Los Angeles seems to get all the hype, what with the streets paved with gold — or the sad residue of a million crushed dreams, pretty sure it’s one of the two — and all the movie stars who live there, from Lorenzo Lamas to DJ Qualls.

That’s check and mate, San Diego.

But, the San Diego Tourist Authority should fight back with the help of this “Supermodel” track.

The song paints a far grittier picture of L.A.

“Sit out on Lexington and Vine / All the pimps and prostitutes wave you down at stopping signs,” Foster sings.

And he’s not done.

“Los Angeles, I’ve been waiting for you / To pick yourself up and change / The city you’ve made, this ocean and sand / Is founded by liars and self-made men.”

Oooh, snap.

San Diego’s looking better already.

Bet ol’ Reno Raines will be packing his bags in no time.

Advertiser: Drinkin’ Mate Hangover Remedy

Song: “Downtown”

Drinking to excess is never advisable, though it may help you get through this story.

Seriously, though, the only humanly way that reading this article could be any more enjoyable would be if you were seeing double and experiencing two of them simultaneously.

So, have yourself another Zima, compadre.

Careful, though, because as this song warns, there could be a price to pay later.

“There are consequences (for your actions) / There are consequences (it’s real life) / There are consequences (you can’t escape from them) / There are consequences.”

Someone say something about consequences?

Alas, we digress.

This hangover remedy is the perfect solution for when you overdo it.

And trust us, we know a thing or 10 about perfection.

Not to mention overdoing it.

Contact reporter Jason Bracelin at jbracelin@reviewjournal.com or 702-383-0476. Follow on Twitter @JasonBracelin.

 

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