72°F
weather icon Windy

Las Vegas Soul Fest headliners provide pickup lines for every occasion

Keith Sweat knows all of Victoria’s Secrets.

Just how smooth a talker is the sex-mad R&B window-fogger?

Dude’s every utterance is as silky as the undergarments he’s constantly trying to liberate from this lass or that.

“Step in my bed, I mean my classroom, I gotta lesson that I really wanna teach you,” he purrs on “Teach Me,” seeking fresh pupils on a minute-by-minute basis.

And he’s not alone.

Fellow ’90s R&B lotharios Ginuwine and Dru Hill are equally adept at making the ladies sigh.

For as much as women crush on all three, though, the fellas can surely appreciate them as well, because their lyrics double as foolproof pickup lines for every occasion imaginable. Just recite a line or two in your best Barry White voice to any female nearby and — blamo! — instant love connection, no Chuck Woolery necessary.

With Sweat, Ginuwine and Dru Hill all teaming up at the Las Vegas Soul Festival this weekend, let’s take a look at how their super sexy songs can help you hook up.

Scenario: Attending parent-teacher night with your kid’s third-grade math instructor.

Super sexy lyric: “Forty percent lover, 10 percent playa, 10 percent stunner, no percent hater / 40 percent hottie, add it up, mami, 100 percent all man,” Keith Sweat, “100% All Man.”

Likely outcome: You’re totally getting it on in the supply closet. “Is that a glue stick in your pocket …”

Scenario: Standing in the grocery store checkout line on double-coupon day.

Super sexy lyric: “Ain’t got no mansion, baby / No big house on the hill / But if you let me, lady / I’ll show you that I got skills,” Dru Hill, “Nothing to Prove.”

Likely outcome: You may not have a lot of money, but you make up for it in charm. Time to take your new ladyfriend for a spin in your ’76 Ford Pinto. Destination: Nakedburgh.

Scenario: Catching a concerto at The Smith Center.

Super sexy lyric: “I wanna lay you down just right and make this song complete / Get you wrapped up in my lyric sheet / My heart’s pounding like a bass drum, boom! / As you’re blowin’ on my trombone,” Ginuwine, “Orchestra.”

Likely outcome: You two are soon making some sweet, sweet “music” of your own. Go ahead, roll your eyes, it’s still more listenable than Ariana Grande.

Scenario: Taking a Nordic walking class at the YMCA.

Super sexy lyric: “You been working out lately, and I notice / And when you walk past, that ass gets me focused,” Ginuwine, “Show Off.”

Likely outcome: You and her are soon headed back to your place, which, coincidentally, also happens to be at the Y.

Scenario: The pizza delivery girl just pulled up.

Super sexy lyric: “See I’ve been waiting / For a love like yours / To come and knock at my door / So, tell me what you’re looking for baby,” Dru Hill, “Share My World.”

Likely outcome: Well, she was looking for a tip, but with sweet lines like that, you’ve just melted her heart like the mozzarella pooling on your pie. And like said cheese congealing into the cardboard box she’s holding, you two will soon become one.

Scenario: Tripping hard on peyote at the local PT’s.

Super sexy lyric: “I mean, metaphorically / If I was drinking and you was a drink / You know what I mean? / Just think if I was sitting at the bar / And there was a million drinks / My eye would be on you / You’d be my drink of choice,” Ginuwine, “Drink of Choice.”

Likely outcome: Confusion, at least at first. “Did you just compare me to, like, a Jager Bomb or something?” she’ll probably ask. “Of course I did,” you’ll reply without pause, sealing the deal, “You’re delicious and intoxicating and deer seem to like you.” And then her face melts and you start to think you’re a tree. A sexy, sexy tree.

Scenario: Burning in hell.

Super sexy lyric: “I’m an addict when it comes to makin’ love / I need it 24/7, that’s for sure / Like the Energizer bunny, I keep going and going and going and going,” Keith Sweat, “Just Wanna Sex You.”

Likely outcome: You’re a sinner. She’s a sinner. What to do for the rest of eternity? Rhetorical question.

Scenario: Orbiting the Earth in a futuristic space pod.

Super sexy lyric: “Wanna explore my sex on you / So brace yourself, girl, I’mma act a fool,” Keith Sweat, “To the Middle.”

Likely outcome: You’re already exploring the galaxy, time to encourage her to do the same with another heavenly body: yours.

Read more from Jason Bracelin at reviewjournal.com. Contact him at jbracelin@reviewjournal.com and follow @JasonBracelin on Twitter.

Don't miss the big stories. Like us on Facebook.
THE LATEST
Top 10 things to do in Las Vegas this week

The Aviators’ home opener, the Punk Rock Museum’s anniversary show and National Pita Day deals top this week’s lineup.