So you've been clubbing all night, and you're hungry. Where do you go for food -- to soak up booze and thus stave off DUI, date rape and terror nightmares?
By far, the trendiest 24-hour food destination for the past year has been the secret pizza place at The Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas, close to club Marquee.
We all call it Secret Pizza, because it literally has no name or sign. It exists down a hideaway hallway on the third floor, where there are couches to grab for dining.
The pizza is very tasty, sold by the New York-style slice for $4.50 for cheese, and 50 cents for extra toppings.
You can buy a big plastic cup of box wine there for $6, which is both affordable and hilarious, or beer.
I went there last weekend at 1 a.m. for, probably, the 20th time in the past year.
The woman behind me in line, Rosa Pothier, moved to Vegas from Idaho to attend dental school. She was very pretty, as were many others in the 20-minute line.
"I've been here about 30 times," Pothier told me. "Me and my sister once walked halfway across the Strip down here in our heels!"
She said her phone is full of texts from friends, when they took trips to Secret Pizza, which stays open till 4 a.m. or so.
"We have nothing like this in Idaho," she said. "There's nowhere in Idaho that I would be like, 'Hey, before we go home, we have to walk five miles in our heels to get something to eat.' "
I interviewed other people for this column, but they were slurry, such as a San Diego tourist named Jason who mustered the strength to blurt, "Everything tastes better when you're drunk."
Naturally, there are many post-club restaurants, including Cosmopolitan's The Henry cafe, which stays open till 6 a.m.
I polled a bunch of club friends, and here are our other go-to's:
The Peppermill, 2985 Las Vegas Blvd. South -- This is my favorite 24-7 restaurant-lounge. It's an old-school Vegas institution. The last time I ate there after midnight, Holly Madison was chowing in the restaurant section at a window booth, where everyone outside could see her. Portions are humongous and affordable. Or, you can order from a small menu of appetizers in the bar section, the cozy Fireside Lounge, where you may make out with your date with abandon.
Mr. Lucky's at Hard Rock Hotel -- A tasty delight close to the hotel's club Vanity, it still has the off-the-menu special for $7.77: steak, shrimp, garlic mashed potatoes and a salad. But the chicken nachos and other dishes are quite good, too.
24-7 Cafe at Palms -- It's near the Palms clubs, offers a full and affordable menu, and service has always been fast for me.
Cafe Cortez at El Cortez -- This is the closest 24-7 cafe to the Griffin, Insert Coin(s) and other bars downtown. It never seems to me to staff enough waitresses or cooks, so the wait can demand patience. But this does give you and friends time to dissect the night's events.
Sugar Factory American Brasserie at Paris Las Vegas-- Sugar Factory has a full, somewhat-glammy menu for drunkies, 24-7, and it's associated with Paris' club Chateau.
Planet Dailies at Planet Hollywood -- A 24-hour cafe for people coming out of the hotel's Gallery nightclub.
Central at Caesars Palace -- A 24-hour cafe from chef Michel Richard, offering burgers and cafe food but also clam chowder and fresh oysters. It's next to the lobby, near-ish to club Pure.
Grand Lux Cafes at The Venetian and Palazzo -- Quick, easy, full menus, good service and pretty dining rooms for clubbers leaving Tao and Lavo midmorning.
Pho Kim Long II, 4029 West Spring Mountain Road, in Chinatown -- I am not a food critic, because here's my simplistic description: It's really good.
Pho So 1, 4745 Spring Mountain Road -- A Vietnamese choice in Chinatown, but it closes at 3 a.m.
Le Thai, 523 Fremont St. -- For Thai, but it closes midmorning.
Kaizen, 4480 S. Paradise Road across from Hard Rock -- For sushi.
Spearmint Rhino, 3344 S. Highland Drive -- The 24-7 strip club has good food. During happy hour last Friday, I got a steak sandwich and a beer for $6.
Crown & Anchor has two locations, 1350 E. Tropicana Ave. and 4755 Spring Mountain Road -- Pub food, 24-7. The one on Trop is bigger with a patio.
Bootlegger Bistro, 7700 Las Vegas Blvd. South -- A lot of Cirque people made this a post-show hang.
Raffles Cafe at Mandalay Bay -- The line can be a bear, but servers are nice and the food's good.
Doug Elfman's column appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. Email him at email@example.com. He blogs at reviewjournal.com/elfman.