America’s favorite couple-in-distress, Beyoncé-Z, have released a fake-movie trailer of guns and glory in an effort to distract us from their elevator scandal, no that’s accurate, I’m sorry, in an effort to promote their concert tour.
Watch below and realize:
1. I counted approximately 35 frames in which guns are accenting Beyoncés bra breaststrokes, during this nearly four-minute gun-fetish-athon, reminding us of Jean-Luc Godard’s maxim, “All you need for a movie is a girl and a gun.”
2. Jay-Z’s voice sounds surprisingly small? Please don’t hurt me, Mr. Z. I just saw you in the VIP section at 1 Oak nightclub in the Mirage a few months ago, with your entourage and that lady who kept dancing in front of your buddy, and you looked very superstarry.
3. The last movie I saw in the theater was that awful “Pacific Rim.” I wish “Pacific Rim” had only been four minutes, too. Maybe blockbuster films should transition into trailers like this one, and spare us a few hours of “for the love of God please end.”
4. There’s an unskipable 15-second ad before this fake-movie trailer begins, depending on your computer/phone/tablet operating system — a fact that will stop many of you from watching the video at all.
5. Then comes the intro to the trailer saying you have to make someone else watch it, much like that creepy hair girl in “The Ring” makes you watch her music video about horses before she eats your soul.
6. Oh right, Beyoncé and Z lately have been the subject of break-up speculation after a TMZ video last week showing her sister Solange beating on Z for about the same length of time as today’s fake-movie trailer, but fortunately the elevator video features approximately 35 fewer frames of gun violence. The couple, Beyonce-Z, put out a statement saying, essentially, “All families go through stuff. So.”
7. Jay raps, “My nails get dirty, my past ain’t pretty, my lady is, my Mercedes is.” Thereby supporting the notion mainstream rap is, like soap operas, comedy masquerading as melodrama. This funny little video was directed by music video’s Melina Matsoukas (Lady Gaga’s “Just Dance,” Calvin Harris’ “We Found Love”).
8. Emmy Rossum portrays a cop, shooting directly at Beyoncé but missing, inexplicably, although the reason I guess is Emmy Rossum is a bad shot who has never played “Call of Duty.” The cast includes Don Cheadle, Sean Penn, Jake Gyllenhaal, Blake Lively, Guillermo Diaz and Rashida and Kidada Jones. Yes, I am listing these big names late, because guns and Beyoncé’s cleavage are the real stars here. Never make a movie with kids or animals or Beyoncé’s boobs.
9. Don’t watch this video if you don’t want to hear the “F” word and several instances of the rap version of the “N” word.
10. Beyoncé sings, “Who wants the perfect love story anyway? Cliché, cliché, cliché.” In a way, that’s like a more palatable response to that whole elevator scandal.