Sorry. We're not doing it. No-go.
We won't write that "The Toys Are Back in Town." Well, yes ... we just did. But we won't do it without a dose of media self-awareness.
You see, "The Toys Are Back in Town" is the promotional tagline the public relations folks have slathered on material for the mouthful titled "Disney on Ice Presents Disney/Pixar's Toy Story 3" tour -- bringing its blades to the Thomas & Mack Center today through Sunday -- hoping we'll catch the catchphrase fever.
Other media outlets have. We see its obvious twist on the BusBoys' "The Boys Are Back in Town" theme for the movie "48 Hrs.," which conjures an image of its stars on ice. Eddie Murphy on Ice would be guaranteed hilarity. Nick Nolte on Ice is too disturbing to contemplate. That would ruin our entire perception of the Fill-in-the-Name-of-the-Show on Ice concept. So we won't do it.
We will, however, tell you that, with the help of public relations people whispering in our ear, you can expect this after you park, brave the crowds, get a nosh for you and the kids and find your seats:
Buzz Lightyear, Woody, Jessie the yodeling cowgirl and the "Toy" gang escape from the tots of Sunnyside Daycare and race for home "in their most daring adventure ever!"
You'll be treated to "a colossal set and state-of-the-art projection design," using the frozen surface to create oversized effects and scenic elements that "alter the audience's perception of scale and further immerse them in the world of toys."
New faces showing up include Barbie's "groovy bachelor" Ken and Lots-o'-Huggin Bear. Get captivated by Buzz's galactic battle with Emperor Zurg and a hoedown on the set of "Woody's Roundup." Remember, it's "jam-packed with fast-pace adventure."
We've no doubt they're right. Should be a whiz-bang shebang for grown-ups and not-so grown-ups alike.
We'll also tell you what Nicole Feld, the show's producer and executive vice president of Feld Entertainment Inc., has to say about their creation aiding an icy sport that's been getting icier receptions lately:
"Unfortunately, ice skating isn't as popular as it once was," Feld says. "These characters create a love for ice skating. It's nice we can take something so relevant like Disney characters and translate them and create shows in the ice medium."
Plus, to reassure you, we'll tell you that the show should entertain not only the tykes, but the parents they tote with them.
"We never want parents to be bored at one of our productions," Feld says. "When we create a show we think about what the kids want to see, but what's great about Pixar films is they work on so many levels, including an irreverent humor that is appealing to parents."
We'll even tell you -- because we were curious and thought you might be too -- about whether, when hiring the cast, they favor skaters who can act or actors who can skate.
"Our director of casting goes all over the world looking for the best ice skaters that have the talent to be the characters they will portray, and then teach them to act," Feld says.
"That's one of the most amazing parts. All these skaters show up as athletes, and by the time we open, they are actors and performers. It's a major transition they go through, something extraordinary to watch."
All of this we've told you. Still, we won't tell you that "The Toys Are Back in Town."
Seriously. We won't.
Contact reporter Steve Bornfeld at sbornfeld@review journal.com or 702-383-0256.