Whip this up in your imagination:
Adorable in his Santa-decorated footie PJs and Frosty the Snowman nightcap, widdle Garry Waddell excitedly scampers downstairs to rip open the wrapping on his present under the Mediaology tree.
Button-cute in her sugarplum nightie, Nina Radetich beelines for her gift, but starts bawling when Danny Ball, precocious in his Rudolph fuzzy slippers and St. Nick knickers, plants an icky kiss on her under the mistletoe with candy cane shards stuck in his teeth. Meanwhile, little Teddy Pretty sneaks his eighth eggnog, but wisely doesn't drink and drive his tricycle.
Gather 'round, kiddies. Time to open your yuletide goodies from the Mediaology elf.
Certain Fox-5 morning anchors: Given an odd fondness for giddy sexual innuendo, they get a nifty re-gift: "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," once the military is done with it.
Darren Peck: A lucrative modeling contract for the spin-and-grin grad of the Giorgio Armani School of Meteorology.
Heidi Hayes: A new contract in which she's paid by the giggle. Estimated worth: $20 million.
Fox-5 News: Fewer viewers who mistakenly believe that any Fox news operation, even a local affiliate's, is run by Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity and a dwindling cabal of elderly escaped Nazis in Brazil.
Alicia Jacobs: Long-overdue recognition as the secret love child of Larry King and that chick from "Showgirls."
Sue Manteris: Behavioral intervention for the anti-bullying anchor-mom who secretly beats up Jim Snyder, steals the money for his Supercuts specials and tortures him with off-camera noogies and wedgies.
Dan Ball: Gift certificate for swagger reduction surgery. (Just a bit -- you're a mature, nighttime anchor now.)
Jeff Gillan: Gift certificate for swagger augmentation surgery. (Just a bit -- you're not on Las Vegas ONE anymore.)
Jon Ralston: Gift certificate for periodic swagger maintenance and touchups. (Must be working fine as is -- you're a cable commentators' go-to gadfly for Nevada politics.)
News-3 news staff: Less turnover. Average tenure for some lately? Could be measured as Leno at 10/Conan at 11:35.
Drew Karedes: Yearlong supply of Xanax, truckload of decaf and therapy sessions for post-journalistic stress disorder.
"Morning Blend"/"Cool in Vegas": Prestigious Clio Award for Slickest Advertising Masquerading as Entertainment.
Investigative reporter Darcy Spears and "You Ask, We Investigate": Recognition for inspiring a drinking game in which we down a shot every time a bad situation improved only after you got involved.
Action News team: Oscar nominations for juiced-up storytelling techniques rivaling "Jaws"-era Steven Spielberg, "Lord of the Rings"-era Peter Jackson and any-era Hitchcock.
Channel 8's I-Team: Oscar noms for "Sparks Will Fly" promos apparently produced by Industrial Light and Magic.
Nathan Baca: Dinner with Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow after eating Sharron Angle for breakfast in a gotcha! on-camera interview.
Jonathan Humbert: Date with guv-luv Kathy Karrasch for cornering Jim Gibbons and grilling him about her at the Reno Airport, goading him to rack up frequent liar miles.
Garry Waddell: My pledge that no one will see those photos of you in the footie PJs -- assuming my check's in the mail.
Contact reporter Steve Bornfeld at firstname.lastname@example.org or 702-383-0256.