Ditch the debate.
Dumping every local 6 p.m. newscast today for some Senate race square-off? There must be some alternative newscast still interested in the daily doings in this town. ... Hey, here's one:
"Good evening. This is Action News Now on the Crime-Tracking Nevada Information Network Making Local Las Vegas a Better Place to Live If You Ask Us to Investigate -- at 6. Jim, Sue, Garry, Paula, Dave, John, Olivia, Steve and Nina have the night off. Sitting in tonight, I'm Harry Reid."
"And I'm Sharron Angle. Thank you for joining us. Our top story: In downtown Las Vegas, pro-life advocates celebrated the sanctity of human life in a demonstration that left abortion activists at a loss to defend their immoral beliefs."
"Sharron, you ignorant, uh, slob. In an admirable speech tonight, President Obama spoke at the Thomas & Mack Center, hailing the government's responsibility to create jobs for every living American, and a few dead ones, too."
"Harry, you clueless imbecile. Economists gathered today in Washington, D.C., to pronounce Obama's stimulus package a stupendous failure, wisely suggesting instead that America be put on an allowance."
"Sharron, you titanic twit. Happily, Democrats are trying to force insurance companies to expand coverage for nose-hair trimming, bikini waxing and rectal wart removal."
"Harry, you five-star fruitcake. Fortunately, wealthy insurance companies have announced they will only cover golfers with STDs from extramarital affairs at Republican-only country clubs."
"Sharron, you menopausal moron. At a rally at a local high school, noble activists promised to fight any proposal to force public schools to allow voluntary school prayer, except to pray for allowing illegal immigrants to run for president."
"Harry, you godless gnome. Religious leaders today announced a demonstration to pray for the souls of godless gnomes and affirm that the Lord whispers to chosen people He wants to run for elected office."
"Sharron, you soulless dingbat. Today, enlightened legislators demanded mandatory electro-shock therapy for advocates of Second Amendment remedies to dissatisfaction with the United States government."
"Harry, you deranged ding-dong. Today, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Larry the Cable Guy lent invaluable support as faces of the movement to dismantle the Department of Education."
"Sharron, you brainless bimbo. Brilliant legislators today announced their forward-thinking efforts to tap alternative sources of energy by combining and harnessing the Twitter posts of Ashton Kutcher and John Mayer."
"Harry, you two-legged bedbug. In an act of genuine compassion today, patriotic, farsighted conservatives urged us to encourage BP to resume offshore drilling because, after all, this is America, the land of second chances."
"That does it for us at 6. Join Action News Now on the Crime-Tracking Nevada Information Network Making Local Las Vegas a Better Place to Live If You Ask Us to Investigate -- at 11 -- for complete coverage of today's hopefully civil debate. ... Good night Sharron, you meshuggeneh extremist."
"Good night, Harry, you bleeding-heart bonehead. ... And speak Amuuurican, dammit."
Pause button: Next week, this column is on vacation. That being the case, this columnist might as well take one, too.
Clearly, he needs one.
Contact reporter Steve Bornfeld at email@example.com or 702-383-0256.