Okay, I'm suffering with kidney stones which they tell me that when they pass, the pain is equivalent to a woman having a baby. I don't want to hear that. My pain threshold is less than zero, so you can forgive me if I just want to get this column done, lie on the couch and feel sorry for myself while I await this torture.

I can't even think about food at a time like this, but I want to give you some news from the Zagat Survey -- the world's leading provider of consumer opinion-based leisure content -- in its 2004 Las Vegas Restaurants and Nightlife Guide. The new guide covers 555 local restaurants and nightlife spots.

Here's the scoop. Zagat Survey's 3,636 avid restaurant and nightlife goers report that they are dining out and spending more than they were two years ago. Using Zagat Survey's 30-point scale, surveyors rated and reviewed dining establishments for their food, décor, service and cost, while nightlife destinations were rated by appeal, décor, service and cost.

"You no longer need to gamble to have a great time in Vegas. In just a few years Las Vegas has become one of the country's most exciting culinary cities," said Zagat Survey Chairman and CEO Tim Zagat. "Nightlife is also experiencing a significant evolution. We've witnessed entertainment go from naughty to family-friendly to naughty again."

In addition to rating and reviewing Las Vegas dining and nightlife establishments, the 2004 Zagat Survey measured consumer sentiment regarding local spending, tipping and dining trends. Under the title, Key Restaurant Survey Findings, here's what it says:

• The average meal cost in Las Vegas increased 3.4 percent annually to $34.60, slightly above Zagat Survey's national average of $30.57.

• 44 percent of surveyors cited poor service as the biggest irritant while dining out. Yet, surveyors tip 18.7 percent, making them among the most generous in the country. The national Zagat Survey average is 18.4 percent.

• Surveyors' favorite cuisine: Italian (35 percent), followed by French and Japanese (13 percent each), American and Chinese (11 percent each) and Thai (7 percent).

• High-end spending is up: In Las Vegas, the average tab at the 20 Most Expensive places increased 5 percent to $70.67 -- still a relative bargain compared to NYC ($91.73), Paris ($145.85) and Tokyo ($182.54).

In its Top-Rated Restaurants, they named Most Popular: 1. Picasso (Bellagio); 2. Aqua (Bellagio); 3. Aureole (Mandalay Bay). Top Food went to: 1. Nobu (Hard Rock Hotel); 2. Renoir (Mirage); 3. Picasso. The picks for Top Décor were: 1. Picasso; 2. Alize (The Palms); 3) Renoir. Top Service rated these: 1. Renoir; 2. Picasso; 3. Prime (Bellagio).

In Key Nightlife Survey Findings, Zagat showed the following:

• 74 percent of Las Vegas nightlife goers head out at 10 p.m. or later.

• The more the merrier: 64 percent of surveyors go out in groups of four or more, only 3 percent go out alone.

• When asked how long they are willing to wait in line to get into a popular nightspot, 82 percent said no more than 30 minutes and 52 percent indicated that their patience would run out in 15 minutes.

• Naughty vs. Nice: When confronted by the question, "do you prefer your Las Vegas nightlife to be naughty or nice," 59 percent of surveyors said naughty.

• Las Vegas locals take advantage of the hot nightlife scene: Surveyors averaged 2.1 evenings out on the town per week in Sin City, ahead of Los Angeles (2.0) and slightly behind New York City (2.3).

• The crowd (33 percent), followed by vibe (29 percent) and live entertainment (11 percent) are what influences surveyors most when deciding on a nightlife spot.

• The average cost of a drink in Las Vegas is a whopping $9.42 (a 12.3 percent increase since the last survey) vs. Los Angeles ($8.27), New York City ($8.30) and London ($6.95). New Orleans represents the low end with revelers paying $6.27.

Top Rated Nightlife Spots were: Most Popular, 1. rumjungle (Mandalay Bay), 2) House of Blues (Mandalay Bay), 3) Light (Bellagio); Top Appeal, 1. ghostbar (The Palms), 2. VooDoo Lounge (Rio), 3. Fontana Lounge (Bellagio); Top Décor, 1. ghostbar, 2. Whiskey Bar (Green Valley Ranch Station), 3. Fontana Lounge; Top Service, 1. Skin (The Palms), 2. Olympic Garden, 3. Red Square (Mandalay Bay).

The book ($11.95) is available at bookstores and other retail outlets, through www.zagat.com or by calling toll free at 888-371-5440.

FIGHT NIGHT

For all you fight fans, don't forget the super featherweight championship fight Feb. 28 at MGM Grand Garden Arena. Two-time world champion Erik "El Terrible' Morales of Tijuana will challenge champion Jesus 'El Matador' Chavez of Austin, Texas. Tickets are priced at $300, $200, $100, $75 and $50, not including applicable service charges and taxes, and you can get them now at any MGM Grand box office outlet.

Tickets also are sold at all Las Vegas Ticketmaster locations (Tower Records/WOW!, Smith's Food and Drug Centers, Robinsons-May stores and Ritmo Latino). There is limit of eight per person. To charge by phone with a major credit card, call Ticketmaster at (702) 474-4000. Tickets also are available for purchase at www.mgmgrand.com or www.ticketmaster.com.

Chavez, 40-2 with 28 knockouts, won the WBC super featherweight title in his last fight. Morales, 45-1 with 34 knockouts, is a two-time World Boxing Council (WBC) featherweight champion. Should be a good one and no, I'm not going to give you my pick.

RIO EXPANDS CONVENTION AREA

The Rio has announced plans for a $31-million expansion of its Pavilion Convention Center. The expansion will add 60,000 square feet of convention space to the existing 100,000 square feet in the Pavilion, giving it 160,000 square feet of meeting space.

With its 2,543 guest rooms, this ranks the Rio as the eighth largest convention hotel in the country. With this expansion, the facility will be able to accommodate up to 17,000 people at one time. Completion is scheduled for the last quarter of this year.

CASTAWAYS CLOSED

Another Las Vegas landmark casino has closed. The Castaways (the former Showboat) closed its doors last week, putting about 800 employees out of work at the 49-year-old property.

The closure of a second historic Las Vegas casino this month (Binion's Horseshoe being the other, but has been purchased by Harrah's Entertainment) came after a bankruptcy order allowed the hotel/casino's creditor to step in and close the property. It is doubtful if it will reopen and will probably be sold at auction or in a foreclosure sale. So if you've got a few bucks lying around and always wanted to own a Las Vegas casino, this might be your chance.

Good luck and I'll see you on the Strip.

If you have a question or a Las Vegas experience you would like to share with my readers, please e-mail me at lennylv@cox.net. Please include your full name and the city or town where you live.