Taking in a night at the fights

      Let's say you want to take that special someone to a world championship fight. It could be your spouse, mother or bloodthirsty second cousin.
      Let's say (gulp) money is no object. Let's gear up for a night at the fights with Oscar De La Hoya and Pernell Whitaker.
      There's no need to get too extravagant with the ticket and pay the top fee of $1,000 on the off chance you'll be seated next to a celebrity such as Oscar-winning actor Cuba Gooding Jr. or "Cheers" star Kirstie Alley.
      No, the $800 seats are just fine. The count is at $1,600 and the meter just started running.
      The luxury of parking at the Thomas & Mack Center is $4 per car. We drove one car. The count is $1,604.
      Now seated among the crowd of about 14,000, we're getting the munchies. Two orders of cheese-slathered, jalapeno-spiced, super-macho nachos grande go for $5.50. The count is $1,609.50.
      You can't eat nachos without downing a couple of jumbo-sized sodas at a cost $2.75 each. Toss in a garbage-container-sized order of popcorn at $2.75, and the count is $1,617.75.
      Time to go souvenir shopping.
      A twill cap with the fight's official "Pound 4 Pound" logo goes for $20. We'll take two. The count is at $1,657.75.
      Hey, nice T-shirts.
      A couple of black cotton shirts emblazoned with photos of De La Hoya and Whitaker costs $40. We must have them. The count is $1,737.75.
      We feel a chill. Thankfully, beautiful black satin jackets (also bearing the "Pound 4 Pound" logo) are on sale at the very same souvenir stand at the bargain-basement price of $100 apiece.
      Without hesitation, we buy two. The salesperson beams. The count is at $1,937.75.
      (Lest anyone fall under the impression that we went overboard on souvenir items, consider the person in front of us in line, who bought two jackets, five hats and five T-shirts for a whopping $400. And this was just one person).
      What would a title fight be without a gigantic, noxious cigar? Too bad they don't sell them at the Thomas & Mack.
      Wait. Today, they do.
      A lovely person saunters up with a tray of cigars. They range in price from $8 (a Blunt) to $15 (which, curiously, is a George Hamilton-signature Nicaraguan stogie). We decide for a couple of moderately-priced, $10 Coronas.
      As we puff away, the count has climbed to $1,957.75.
      Suddenly, someone shouts, "Happy hour!" We charge for the cocktail booth.
      I figure I can handle one domestic draft beer at the highly inflated price of $4 a cup. My partner (not driving for at least 12 hours after the fight ends) orders up a rum and Coke and makes it a double at $7.50.
      We sip to our hearts' content. The count has ballooned to $1,969.25.
      Uh-oh. The hunger pangs have returned.
      A pair of Rebel hot dogs cost $2.25. Too small, we say. The ever popular Colossal dog is more appealing. We buy two at a cost of $2.75 each (at least the condiments are complimentary) and the count is $1,974.75.
      We settle our rumbling tummies with two bottles of mineral water. We figure $6 for a couple of bottles of a substance covering three-quarters of the Earth is a small price to pay. The count reaches $1,980.75.
      Finally, we pick up two programs at $20 a pop (easily the night's biggest rip-off) and the count reaches a grand total of $2,020.75.
      We watch the fight won by De La Hoya by unanimous decision and head for home. I must retire early, for the first thing in the morning I need to head for the bank and fill out a loan application.