FAMILY MATTERS: Judi Craig

By Judi Craig
Special to the Review-Journal

      Ever called a friend and had the person on the other end of the phone yell at the top of his or her lungs to the person you're trying to reach: "Hey, ... , telephone!" What kind of impression does it make on you?
      It seems that yelling at other family members has become a national pastime. And when it happens to you, often there is a momentary urge to strangle the person who is yelling (especially if you have to yell back "I'm in the bathroom!" at the top of your lungs). Sound familiar?
      The point is, one of the greatest ways to bog down communication in the family is to stay in the room where you are and yell for someone in another part of the house -- barring an emergency, of course.
      If the person being called is in the middle of something, asleep or just thinking, the intrusion is monumental. That person either must stop what he or she is doing and physically go to where the person is yelling or else yell back, which usually happens. The irritation is rarely concealed.
      Of course, the person doing the yelling typically expects the person yelled at to drop everything and come immediately, especially if the yeller is a parent. A return yell often in the form of a "What?" usually leads to an escalation of the volume as well as the blood pressures of each party.
      The situation can lead to the yeller grandstanding the whole encounter by saying "Never mind!"
      At this point, the receiver has not only been interrupted, but is left in the position of someone who leaps for a dangling carrot only to have it snatched away, never to reappear.
      Other family members, if there are any, may be relieved they are not the ones being summoned. At the same time, they're likely to feel frustrated at the latest interruption of their own thoughts and activities by all the noise surrounding them. Tension in the house, anyone?
      Wouldn't it be more sane if we just traveled to the location of the person to whom we wish to ask a question or give a message? After all, the fact that one drops in on another's space signals the other person that something is up. Allowing the person the choice of responding immediately or waiting a moment to finish a train of thought or activity until there can be a natural pause is just plain courteous, making it more likely there will be a pleasant exchange rather than the hard feelings that result from forceful intrusion.
      It's interesting that when we're at our jobs, it's unlikely we just yell out any old time for someone down the hall who we want to talk to. Yet at home with the people who are supposedly the most important to us, we think it's OK to be rude.
     
      Judi Craig is a clinical psychologist living in San Antonio.