Monday, November 11, 2002
Copyright © Las Vegas Review-Journal

OBNOXIOUS KIDS: Sparing the rod?

Las Vegans who work with the public discuss encounters with children

A thing of beauty is supposed to be a joy forever.

But why is it that enjoyable memories fade, while the negative ones are so durable?

We easily forget the taste of a wine or the sound of a concert. Yet we often remember, in detail, unpleasant experiences such as the misbehavior of children in public places.

Are children getting ruder? Or adult bystanders more crotchety?

No consensus came when we contacted a Las Vegas pediatrician, a school teacher, a restaurant maitre d' and a public librarian. All work in fields that involve a lot of contact with children and parents.

Some of the parties interviewed claim that children's manners have deteriorated in the last generation or two. Others believe the percentage of children who behave outrageously remains constant over time.

But all agree that most children's behavior can be linked to, if not outright blamed on, their parents' parenting skills.

Judith Martin, also known as Miss Manners the etiquette columnist, wrote in a recent column: "Of course it is rude for a child to be loud and unruly anywhere, and incorrect for parents to have loud and disruptive children. Miss Manners does not consider the fact that that is the way children come, to be an excuse." The Review-Journal runs Martin's column.

Specimen 1: Rude child in restaurant.

A child refuses to be still. Not only won't he stay in his seat. He wants to roam the floor. Attempts by the parents to call him back fail, but do succeed in distracting innocent diners from their own meals. A parent finally physically drags the child back to the table, but squeals of protest prolong the disturbance.

"If you want a play area, go to a restaurant that has a play area." That's the verdict on children who romp in sit-down restaurants from Adam Carmer, 37, a longtime maitre d' in Strip hotels including the MGM Grand, The Mirage, Treasure Island and Harrah's. He's also the father of three, ranging in age from 2 to 7.

One time, Carmer recalls, a server injured his knee and spilled food and cutlery on guests when trying to dodge a toddler on the loose.

"Sometimes it's heavier than the kid," he says, explaining that a fully loaded tray can weigh 40 pounds or more. If dropped, hot food can scald, and cutlery cut.

Carmer's tack as maitre d' in the situation of a wandering child is to first warn the child, then immediately convey the same message to the parents.

"I tell the kid directly to their face: 'You can be injured, and injure someone else.' It's not good or bad (parenting). It's just safety."

Carmer says he appeals solely on safety grounds, to avoid offending negligent parents, who might take offense, which could rachet any scene to a higher level of drama.

He advises restaurant staff to prevent child-related problems by swiftly seating such parties and attending to them "more quickly and more frequently" through the meal.

Carmer also advises restaurant patrons to voice their complaints about misbehaving young guests to staff.

Specimen 2: Rude child in doctor's office.

"I'm talking to a mother," the pediatrician recalls, "and the child says, 'Mommy, where's my donut?' I'm in the middle of my sentence, and she'll ignore me, to take care of her child. I have to say, 'Please, your mommy and I are talking.' The parent doesn't say anything."

Dr. Lee Bernstein, the speaker, has been in pediatrics for more than 30 years.

He understands why sick children may be cranky. But he doesn't understand why some parents don't better control their well children, who also come in, either for yearly checkups or as tag-alongs when a sibling is sick.

"Parents are permissive. The children learn to take advantage." That's how Bernstein, 65, diagnoses the etiquette problem.

When parents ignore or justify bad behavior when a child is bored, tired or hungry, Bernstein says, "the signal it gives to the kids, is you can get away with it."

Specimen 3: "Active" children at the library

Even if toddlers are climbing through open book stacks or strewing books on the floor, Kathy DiGeorge, 32, declines to characterize most young library patrons as rude. She is head librarian of the children's section at the Summerlin Library & Performing Arts Center, 1771 Inner Circle Drive, with 10 years' experience at libraries around the valley.

She doesn't tolerate bookshelf climbing, nor diving from childsized sitting platforms onto beanbag chairs. Both temptations exist in her department, but are prohibited because they are safety hazards.

Rather than accuse children or parents, DiGeorge prefers to calmly state the rules to children -- in a way that doesn't allow for debate -- or reunite wayward kids with their parents, who may have not been aware of a problem, because they were busy with another child or engrossed in their own book.

But she views the strewing of books on the floor as a likely positive -- because it shows children are interested in books and reading.

"We do have crying fits" by very young visitors, DiGeorge admits. But modern libraries contain separate children's sections precisely so children can act their age, which may entail giggles and loud conversation.

Older children present other issues. When children come in as a group after school to do homework, they are apt to get loud. Some even bring fast-food snacks into the library.

"We tell them to take it outside," DiGeorge says. In this age of ubiquitous water bottles, even some parents need reminders about avoiding food and drinks in the library, she adds.

The Summerlin library's ramps are tempting to kids with wheels. So sometimes they need a refresher on the rules, which prohibit using scooters or wheeled shoes indoors. The problem didn't even exist a generation ago, because the technology is new, DiGeorge points out.

The Las Vegas Clark County Library District doesn't permit children under 12 to visit without an adult or older sibling. But librarians only follow up on youngsters alone if they are misbehaving or appear lost, according to Nancy Ledeboer, the district's deputy director.

"We want children in the library," says Ledeboer, 46. But if a child is still alone at closing time, "We call Metro, and see that the child is taken to an appropriate place," such as Child Haven, until relatives are located.

Specimen 4: Rude children in school

Suzanne Wallace, 39, is a licensed teacher and substitute teacher who has decided not to sub at Las Vegas middle schools anymore.

This age group is "very aggressive with substitutes," she says. "They just feel like they can play the game, and say anything to a substitute, and 'Isn't it all funny.' "

Pressed for an example, Wallace says a student recently told her, "Oh, you're married. Did you have sex with your husband last night? Ha ha ha."

Wallace says she often finds greater student respect for teachers in schools with high Hispanic enrollment, which she attributes to Hispanic culture: "They're taught 'la maestra' (is held in esteem). You do not mess around with the teacher."

Young people today are more , vocal and inclined to question policy, several interviewees note, including Wallace and DiGeorge. That doesn't automatically denote rudeness, but can devolve into it.

Asked why children's misbehavior may be more noticeable today, several interviewees cited a decrease in parental supervision and lack of consistent parental follow-through on bad behavior. They attribute this to the prevalence of households with either two working parents or only one parent is present.

A society-wide decrease in respect for authority is another reason for children's misbehavior, guesses Marylyn Eckelcamp, a Las Vegas marriage and family therapist. Examples are adults who show road rage, pervasively run red lights, use cell phones indiscriminately in public or tolerate sexual activity by their teens.

Eckelcamp, who also has worked as a school psychologist, concludes, "Children are a reflection of what's going on in homes. But the home is a reflection of what's going on in society."