Monday, July 19, 2004
Copyright © Las Vegas Review-Journal
STRAIGHT ANSWERS: Clearing the Air
Parents can arm themselves with sound information to talk with kids about drugs
By JOHN PRZYBYS
REVIEW-JOURNAL
Talking to your kids about sex? Piece of cake.
Talking to your kids about drugs? Whoa.
For all sorts of reasons -- ranging from a simple lack of familiarity with today's drug landscape to the fear of feeling like hypocrites because of their own youthful drug use -- talking to their children about drugs may be one of baby boomer parents' most nerve-wracking duties.
But, area substance abuse educators say, talking to kids about drugs not only is a vital parental duty, but one that both parent and child can survive.
Parents first should understand that recreational drug use has changed from the, perhaps, relatively benign days of their own youths.
"These days there are a lot more drugs out there," says Michael Lasiewicki, project facilitator with the Clark County School District Safe and Drug Free Schools and Communities Program.
And many of the newer drugs that are out there today -- club drugs such as Ecstasy, for instance -- have "become a little more deadly," he adds. "We talk a lot with school police and Metro (police) staff, and it's kind of staggering."
Children likely will receive some of their drug education in school. For example, the Clark County School District includes drug education in health courses at all grade levels, says Katie Barmettler, coordinator of Clark County School District's Safe and Drug Free Schools and Communities Program.
However, it is, as always, parents who take the lead in preparing their children for that inevitable moment when they'll face a decision about using drugs.
"First of all, the important thing to realize is that this is a process, not an event," says Paige Johnson, safe and drug free schools counselor at Roy Martin Middle School. "The talk about drugs is not one talk for two minutes (and) 'Don't use drugs because I said so.' "
Rather, the talk should be a continuing one over a period of years, with each discussion keyed to the child's stage of development, Johnson says.
Ideally, the parent and child already will have created a relationship that lends itself to frank discussion about such touchy topics, says Kathleen Dickinson, state and federal grant project coordinator for the BEST (Bringing Everyone's Strengths Together) Coalition for a Safe and Drug-Free Nevada, which offers substance abuse education information to parents and teachers.
Children then will "feel comfortable" with the topic, she says. "They know they're not going not be judged, they're not going to be rejected."
Dickinson notes that children as young as 4, 5 or 6 often are able to understand, in at least a simple way, that drinking, smoking or using drugs isn't good.
"So you need to talk as soon as the child is conscious of the parents having a glass of wine or the parents smoking," she says. "You'll hear a lot of 5 -year-olds saying to parents, 'You should stop.' "
In addition, even young children can begin to develop the decision-making skills that'll serve them in good stead in later childhood and adolescence.
Ultimately, the goal is to ensure that the child will make good decisions even when a parent isn't around, Johnson says. "So if you work with them at a young age, rather than 'Don't do this' ... (you) offer them a chance to develop an internal guide."
As the child gets older, parent-child discussions about drugs can focus more explicity on the specifics of drug and substance abuse.
Such discussions may require a parent to do some homework. Barmettler recalls mentioning the drug GHB several times during a talk with a group of parents.
"Finally, someone said, 'What is GHB?' " she says. "And the rest of the parents are like, 'Oh, yeah. Thanks. We were confused, too.' "
Contrast their reaction with that of a typical child. "They're going to be able to tell you every type of form it comes in, how it works, where you can get it," Barmettler says. "They can give a dissertation on it."
Dickinson says the pamphlets, videos and other instructional materials available through the BEST Coalition can give parents a means of jump-starting discussion about drugs with their children.
So, she adds, can TV shows, novels, anti-drug commericals on TV and stories in the newspaper, she adds.
However, a parent always should remember that a discussion is two-way communication, Johnson says.
"I think a lot of times we go, 'I'm the parent. Do what I say.' And I think we rely on that because we don't have any other (communication) skills," she says.
"I don't think that's very effective. I think a lot of people think communicating with their children is about us expressing ourselves, but it's just as much about listening."
In any discussion about drugs, be honest and resist the temptation to fall back on scare tactics or hysteria. At the same time, feel free to make use of actual facts about the effects and dangers of drugs, what they do to the body and the consequences -- medical, mental, legal and practical -- of using them.
It is, for example, a fact that people do die, or make other people die, when they drive while drunk. It's a fact that people do end up in emergency rooms and even die after taking club drugs. It's a fact that smoking does cause cancer. And it's a fact that an arrest or conviction for DUI or drug possession could complicate a child's life in all sorts of ways.
"Lay the facts on the line and then trust in the skills that are embedded in them and kind of think about those possible consequences," Lasiewicki says.
What should a parent say if a child asks if he or she has ever used drugs?
The easiest answer: "You can say, 'No I didn't, and these are the reasons why,' if you didn't," Dickinson says.
The tougher answer: " `Yes, I did, but this is what I found from doing it and why it's best that people don't' " Dickinson says.
Then, Dickinson continues, "direct it back to the child: What is your experience? Has anybody ever approached you? What's your point of view on the subject?
"So, you can give a little bit of information and your own thoughts and feelings, and then redirect it back to what's going on in the child's life."
Don't feel obliged to share too much, Lasiewicki says.
"It's OK for parents to mention what they've seen and maybe what consequences they've seen come out of past mistakes," he says, while "never allowing the conversation to focus on the parent's particular drug use or things like that.
"You can be honest to a certain extent, but you're the one directing the conversation."
"I think some parents say, 'I'm just gonna tell them the truth,' and they tell them, maybe, a little bit too much," Johnson agrees. "I think it needs to be appropriate. The key is not your past but your kid's future."
A parent also can point out the relative increased danger of many of today's drugs and the greater knowledge we have today of how they affect the body, Johnson says.
"One thing parents can say if they have experimented with drugs is, `OK when I was at that time in my life we didn't know as much as we do now.' "
"Being open about the negative impact or the fact that you used doesn't mean that you have to give every detail of everything you've ever done," Johnson adds. "I think kids can respect that and understand that.
"But I don't think it's wise to hide your use from your kids, because it'd be really easy to have conversations with a couple of family members and find out."
Just as tricky for parents is talking about tobacco or alcohol use when a parent, even now, smokes or drinks.
Dickinson suggests starting by noting that, for example, it's illegal for anybody under the age of 21 to drink. Then, she says, explain how, even for adults, the key is "when to stop and to not put anybody else in danger."
Obviously, all of this discussion stuff doesn't negate the parent's responsibility to set boundaries for his or her child. That is, after all, a parent's job.
In fact, Johnson notes, a primary reason children give for not using drugs is that "I don't want to get into trouble with my parents."
"So I think it is a realistic thing for parents to give a strong message that you do not use drugs or alcohol," she says. "I think that has a place."
But, ultimately, the goal is not just having a child comply with a parent's wishes, but developing "inner-directed behavior" that, Johnson says, will help kids make the right decisions even "when they're out of our sight."
