Tuesday, May 25, 2004
Copyright © Las Vegas Review-Journal

JOHN L. SMITH: Sage remarks from 168-year-old Mark Twain never become outdated

I drank the water quickly so as not to attract suspicion, then relaxed with iced whiskey in the Ham Hall lobby and read the program for Mr. Hal Holbrook's one-man show, "Mark Twain Tonight!"

I'd heard this Holbrook had been doing a fair rendering of Twain for 50 years, which is a long time to be out of honest work, and so I'd come to see what all the shouting was about. After reading up on Holbrook and Twain and gaining a certain expertise, I took a seat in the auditorium.

Maybe it was the whiskey mule-kicking my cerebellum, but if called to testify I'd swear that Holbrook skipped the show early and left the apparition of Twain in his place.

Talk about a cheat. I'd come a great distance to see a professional man of the theater dress up and do honor to "the Lincoln of our literature," and instead had to settle for the crotchety, cigar-smoking genuine article. By my count, the ornery fellow on stage was a spry 168 years old and still puffing away on stogies as he prattled at length on all manner of topics.

Not that Twain's message holds a whit of meaning for today's highly evolved, ethically superior, and entirely more civilized America. As you'll see, we've outgrown his home-spun epigrams and smart aleck remarks.

Take politics, for instance. In Twain's time, officialdom was riddled with liars, cheats, con artists, and unrepentant philanderers.

Fortunately for us, we've moved beyond all that to a higher plane of consciousness. Today, not only do our politicians lie, cheat, con, and take liberties with the hired help, but they get hog-fat, seven-figure book deals, too. That's what I call practicing political science.

Twain recalled one Tammany Hall politician who changed his evil ways under deadline pressure.

"He reformed on the eve of election," our Twain said. "He died.

"He was reformed by his friends who took him boating on the East River. He lies in state there now, fully reformed. I did not attend his funeral, but I wrote a very nice letter saying I approved of it."

Twain had many pleasantries for politicians. He admonished President Teddy Roosevelt to stop bear hunting in the wilderness and instead turn his marksman's eye on the local game: "Why he could have stayed home and shot a senator."

Generally, he found members of Congress to be a species "with tongues so handy and information so uncertain" and at one point observed, "Imagine if you were an idiot. Then imagine you were a member of Congress.

"Wait a minute. I've repeated myself."

He had equally fond memories of Nevada, where he spent a couple years as a reporter for the Territorial Enterprise of Virginia City.

"There are two trees in Nevada," he said. "But they've been blasted by lightning so many times they looked like something valuable Congress had gotten hold of. ...

"Now there's two kinds of climate in Nevada. Hot and cold. In the summer it's 120 degrees in the shade all the time except when it goes higher. ... A wicked old man died in Nevada, went straight to hell and wired back the next day, `Send me my blankets!' "

To support his travels, he associated with a lowly societal lot.

"I didn't want to work," he said. "All I wanted was employment. So I became a newspaper reporter. I hated to do it, but I couldn't find honest employment."

Spoken like a true columnist.

Then he imparted a little wisdom for apprentice reporters: "Get the facts. Then you can distort them as much as you please."

With such sage advice, who needs journalism school?

At one point he noted a truth that applies both to politics and the press. Our Twain said, "People will believe almost anything you tell them if you keep a straight face."

He was living proof standing up pretending to be a famous actor playing Mark Twain and never letting on that he was the actual artifact. I noticed the audience was happy thinking the man of the theater had remembered all his lines. I didn't spoil it for them, but I knew there wasn't an ounce of acting in the whole show.

The box office was closed, or I'd have demanded my money back. I never did get to meet Mr. Holbrook.

John L. Smith's column appears Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. E-mail him at Smith@reviewjournal.com or call 383-0295.