Sunday, March 27, 2005
Copyright © Las Vegas Review-Journal

Righting a Wrong

Easter is reminder that forgiveness can heal and build character

Photos by Craig L. Moran.

Christians view Easter as an example of divine forgiveness: God, through the death and resurrection of Jesus, forgave mankind its sins.

But forgiveness operates on an earthly plane, too, according to Las Vegans from a variety of professions that deal with the concepts of conflict, crime, sin or injustice.

Their definitions and applications for forgiveness all vary. But they unanimously believe true forgiveness is more than rote etiquette.

Bottom line, forgiveness can be as healing to the person granting it as the person getting it, the counselors and mediators interviewed say.

"We know that stress kills people," says Deborah R. Roberts of Las Vegas, a marriage and family therapist as well as a licensed alcohol and drug counselor. She also is an officer of the nonprofit Mediators of Southern Nevada. "When you're angry, your body is involved, your whole gut, your chest, your neck."

She tries to instill in clients that granting forgiveness means "making peace, letting go. That what happened to me was wrong ... but the resentment and anger and pain I carry around is harmful to me."

Granting forgiveness has been linked by certain recent studies to less back pain, less depression, drops in high blood pressure and lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol, according to material from A Campaign for Forgiveness Research, which is a project to "promote more forgiveness around the world," according to its Web site, http://www.forgiving.org.

The project, which has Archbishop Desmond Tutu of South Africa and former President Jimmy Carter among its honorary co-chairs, sponsors and collects research to demonstrate its hypothesis that forgiveness can work between individuals, families, communities and nations.

The project's executive director is Everett Worthington Jr., an author and professor at Virginia Commonwealth University. The project's Web site is registered to the Pennsylvania-based John Templeton Foundation, which supports efforts to use scientific methods to study personal character and religion.

The campaign's researchers have studied the role of forgiveness in such situations as divorce and corporate downsizing, as well as civil strife in Northern Ireland and Rwanda.

But forgiveness can begin small, among the very young. The peer mediation program that exists in 39 elementary schools in the Clark County School District is one example.

"It's all about peaceful conflict resolution," explains Katie Barmettler, a district administrator who helps coordinate the program. Pupils don't "specifically address `forgive.' It's all about hearing each other out, acknowledging each other's feelings" and coming mutually to a plan that will solve the problem that led to the run-in.

The program entails recruiting and training pupils to be mediators, in grades three and higher. Mediators wear an identifying sash during times in the school day when children are out of class. They carry a clipboard to record incidents and outcomes.

Recess and lunch periods are prime times when conflicts arise over accidents or deliberate acts. "A lot of time they're fighting over who's getting picked for what team, or disagreement with the rules or how the game is played, or accusations of cheating," Barmettler explains.

Peer mediators help the two parties to a private area where each can air his or her side, then come to a joint resolution. "If one person is in the wrong, an apology is definitely encouraged. They're coached (to) take responsibility for their actions," Barmettler says.

In Southern Nevada, first-time juvenile offenders accused of misdemeanor crimes can join a program called VORP to have their record expunged. VORP stands for Victim Offender Reconciliation Program.

The program, which is voluntary, gives people who have been victims of juvenile crime "the opportunity to have a structured face-to-face meeting with their juvenile offenders in a secure, safe environment," according to the Clark County Neighborhood Justice Center, which runs the program. Typical crimes that VORP addresses are fighting, shoplifting, vandalism and graffiti.

"The mediator's role is to enable a conversation to take place between the parties involved in a dispute," says Leah Stromberg, supervisor of the Neighborhood Justice Center.

"The victim (is) able to tell the offender how they felt about the incident. The offender has to restate what they heard, so they can understand how that victim actually felt," explains mediator Malcolm White.

VORP sessions end with the two parties agreeing on the steps the offender will take to make amends. "It's like watching magic," says White of the forgiveness that often ensues on a personal level.

As a counselor Roberts works with individuals; as a private mediator she works with pairs. Her mediation specialty is helping divorcing couples who want to make their own child custody and visitation plans as well as divide assets or debts.

Members of Mediators of Southern Nevada have varying areas of expertise. Other mediators work in disputes involving employment, business contracts or complying with federal law on the treatment of people with disabilities.

According to Roberts, forgiveness enables the person who was offended to move on. The offense was "horrible, bad, unfortunate ... but it's not the event that makes me who I am forever." Granting forgiveness, she emphasizes, does not condone the wrong deed.

Forgiveness also lets the person progress who committed the offense. Carrying unforgiven guilt is unproductive, according to Roberts. To numb the feeling of unforgiven guilt, people with an addiction are apt to use drink, drugs or gambling. Forgiveness "helps them remain sober, clean," she believes.

For these reasons, 12-step groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous have built making amends and seeking forgiveness into their recovery programs. "It's the eighth step. They're supposed to make that attempt if the (offended) person is not dead, gone or unavailable," Roberts notes.

Forgiveness is an "intricate subject" in Jewish tradition, according to Las Vegas Rabbi Yocheved Mintz. Knowing that human nature is to nurse a grudge, Jewish tradition therefore says a repentant person should ask for forgiveness up to three times.

"If that person doesn't forgive (by the third time), you go on," explains Mintz, who is a rabbi at large, rather than on staff at a specific congregation.

Jewish tradition has set criteria for granting forgiveness. According to Mintz, the offender first has to admit the offense, show remorse, offer restitution then ask for forgiveness several times. "For example, a woman who has been battered by her husband, or abused by her father, is not obliged" to grant forgiveness, Mintz says, unless the person has, in addition to showing remorse, actually stopped the behavior.

The concept of "an eye for an eye" is misunderstood, she adds. It doesn't mean committing an injury to avenge an earlier injury. Instead, it represents equitable restitution, equal in value to the damage sustained.

The Rev. Jud Wilhite, pastor of Central Christian Church in Henderson, says the Christian view of forgiveness comes from Jesus' teachings.

"Jesus took forgiveness to a whole new level," Wilhite explains. The status quo is to forgive only people who come asking for forgiveness, but Jesus "taught even to forgive your enemy."

"I think it's this. We don't earn our forgiveness (from God) by forgiving others," Wilhite says. "But the surest sign we are forgiven is that we forgive others."