We hear your requests. But we do not care.

We hear your pleas. But we do not care.

We hear your threats -- really, you can do that with a fence post? OK, but we still do not care.

No, fearlessly -- perhaps even foolishly -- "Rants & Raves" channels the spirit of the all-seeing, little-knowing Hawkadamus for a preview of this year's Mountain West Conference Men's Basketball Tournament, as the event returns to the Thomas & Mack Center, where 25th-ranked UNLV is a staggering 16-1, having won its last 14 straight:

Aah-ommm. Aah-ommm. ... Hawkadamus, are you among us? Can you speak to us?

"Yes, mere mortals, I am here. Well, actually, I'm stuck in the drive-thru at In-N-Out Burger, ordering a double-double, 'animal' style. Can't get 'em fixed that way down where I'm 'based' -- although there's no problem with 'fire'-grilling the onions, if you get my gist."

Well, Hawkadamus, you know it's that time of year again, when you look into your crystal ball ...

"You mean the bottom of a shot glass. ..."

Whatever -- and then tell us what you see coming out of the Mountain West Tournament. You know, it's back at the 'Mack for the first time in four years?

"Yes, well I have already done my homework. I can give you this one guarantee -- "

NO, NO ... please, don't say it, Hawkadamus!

"What, that Air Force FINALLY will win a first-round game. Heck, those fly-boys have had worse luck getting to the second round of the conference tournament than Hawkadamus did getting to second base in high school."

Phew! You know you had the readers worried, because none of your predictions ever comes true? We thought you were going to guarantee that the Rebels would win ...

"The tournament title? Puh-LEEEZE! That's a done deal, a lock, a go-to-the-pay-window: UNLV over 23rd-ranked Brigham Young in Saturday's title game. In fact, we see the final score: Rebels 72, Cougars 66.

"We also see a major midcourt celebration, (UNLV coach) Lon Kruger actually loosening his tie and cracking a smile, and even (athletic director) Mike Hamrick hugging one of those whiny Internet cretins."

Wow, Hawkadamus, that is amazing. You're guaranteeing a conference tournament championship for the Rebels? Even with your abysmal track record?

"So it has been seen, so it shall be done."

Any other predictions for us?

"Only that once (Rebels all-conference swingman) Wendell White gets his jaws working again, he'll enjoy an In-N-Out double-double -- and, dude, we're not talking points and rebounds." ...

• Shame, shame, shame on the Mountain West coaches for voting Rebels guard Kevin Kruger to the all-conference third team Monday!

He should have been a second-team cinch, and a great argument could be made for him being first team, what with the way the Rebels played this season. ...

• With a steeper-banked and rougher track that should increase speeds at Las Vegas Motor Speedway, can you imagine the fender-scraping -- not to mention the crashes -- this weekend?

And that's just from those inconsiderate race fans who refuse to exhibit patience exiting the parking lots. ...

• Police arrested Sacramento Kings forward Ron Artest on a domestic violence charge Monday after a woman called 911 from his home, saying she was being assaulted.

It goes without saying, of course, that the troubled Artest just doesn't get it.

We'd say this dipstick deserves to be sent to the doghouse, but, heck, with the way he treats his own dogs -- not feeding them for long periods -- they might eat him alive. ...

• With the Pittsburgh Penguins reaching an impasse over the issue of a new arena and pledging to seriously look at relocation, you can bet Las Vegas will be mentioned in every news story -- even without our city having a new arena.

Of course, TV ratings and readership surveys show that the NHL is a dying sport in the United States -- kept alive only by the chest compressions of a hardy few fans.

Here's a thought: Maybe Las Vegas should host an NHL All-Star Game to gauge interest? We know thugs from Southern California wouldn't come up and antagonize the locals for that sport. ...

• Do you know what the doctor asked David Beckham when the British soccer star injured his right knee in a Spanish League game Sunday?

"David, um, can you bend it like Beckham?"

Joe Hawk's "Rants & Raves" column is published Tuesday. He can be reached at 387-2912 or jhawk@reviewjournal.com.