Q: How does a man look past his wife's weight gain and be able to regain intimacy with her? -- L.L., Las Vegas

A: Let's put to bed our previous discussion of obesity as both a medical crisis and as indicative of wider psycho-emotional crisis. Let's say we're talking about the more common phenomenon of changes brought by age, child bearing, metabolic shifts, genetic body type or, regrettably, disfiguring tragedies (burns, amputations, etc.) In my answer, I'm going to focus primarily on men reconnecting with women, though obviously women, too, have their own erotic preferences that can be challenged by all these issues.

Men might do well to first sit down and have a talk with themselves, a "come to Jesus" sort of meeting recognizing that we have been sold a bill of goods. The women we've been taught to be attracted to largely don't exist. We're hot for digital illusions, airbrushes and cosmetic interpretations of women instead of real flesh. If it helps you to mobilize some old-fashioned ego indignation, remind yourself that a fair number of strippers think men are stupid, a fact that we're all too ready to confirm about $300 later.

Next, we might do well to take a crash course in women and their bodies. Pregnancy is a wide variable. It ravishes some women's bodies more than others. Scarring abdominal skin. Permanently shifting the shape of hips, breasts, even feet. For some women, no amount of sit-ups can entirely eradicate the signature sag of a post-maternal belly. There is, too, a genetic given-ness to metabolic rates and the changes in those rates as women age.

We don't change our erotic preferences by chanting, "I'm a shallow mantoad, I'm a shallow mantoad," over and over. In fact, we don't "look past" changes we don't prefer. What we do is reconsider our ideas of what the changes mean.

This actually happens spontaneously, L.L., for many husbands during pregnancy. It's a not-often-published fact that, during pregnancy, many husbands find their erotic attraction for their mate intensifies. This is because the weight gain and the changes in body don't convey negative meanings, but positive ones. Her growing belly and swollen breasts mean celebration for the husband. He attaches to it with happiness and, frankly, a kind of "normal narcissism" that generates real desire and the yen to connect in sexual courtship. With a little logistic care, couples can enjoy this courtship through the seventh or eighth month of an uncomplicated pregnancy.

Later, after the baby is born, a man can attach the meanings of gratitude, celebration, even heroism to the "sacrifice" of his wife's body in service to creation. These sorts of changes aren't about a loss of vitality or self-respect. Just the opposite. They are the natural consequences of participating in an ultimate vitality: baby-making!

Here's another example, this time from the woman's side of the fence.

I once knew a woman who had fallen in love with a blind man. Her presenting issue was her sense of confusion about sexual courtship. The deeper issue was her sense of grief. Grief? Yep. Loving this man meant letting go of ways of being a woman that were deeply meaningful to her. Satisfying and enjoyable. To wit: primping and pampering the feminine. Dressing sexy. Colors, textures and design lines. Accessories. Hairstyles. Makeup. Lingerie.

Here's what I didn't do: "Things will get better, ma'am, when you realize what a shallow, vain woman you are ... when you realize that the only thing that matters is who you are on the inside." (Gentlemen, if your Significant Other comes down the stairs dressed hot and says, "How do I look?" I would advise against saying, "Honey, it doesn't matter how you look because I only care about the real you on the inside.")

Here's what I did do: I affirmed her new love by affirming her loss. The loss was real. She's not shallow or vain. She's a normal, healthy woman. Acknowledging loss is the first step toward resolving it.

If she were to value the new relationship, her task was to learn a new and very different language of courtship and enticement. And she didn't then start wearing sweat shirts all the time. She continued to choose great style and grooming because she liked the way it made her feel about herself.

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Clear View Counseling and Wellness Center in Las Vegas. His columns appear on Tuesdays and Sundays. Questions for the Asking Human Matters column or comments can be e-mailed to skalas@reviewjournal.com.