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‘Huntsman: Winter’s War’ a muddled sequel no one asked for

The magic mirror from “The Huntsman: Winter’s War” is really more of a shiny metal disc.

It looks quite a bit like a gong.

If only Chuck Barris were there to save us from the movie’s lazy “Frozen” rip-offs and general cut-rate Tolkien aesthetic.

Honestly, after 10 minutes of “The Huntsman,” all I could think about was how fantastic it would be for a computer-generated Phyllis Diller to appear, bang that gong, summon Gene Gene the Dancing Machine and send everybody home.

Now that I’ve lost every reader younger than 40, “The Huntsman” is the who-asked-for-it sequel to 2012’s “Snow White and the Huntsman.” The original was so lackluster, all I remember about it was that the whole thing was nearly overshadowed by the affair its star, Kristen Stewart, had with its married director, Rupert Sanders.

Neither is back for “The Huntsman,” which picks up years before the original with that movie’s villain, Ravenna (Charlize Theron), plotting her rise to power alongside her sister, Freya (Emily Blunt).

Then Freya’s baby is killed, and she’s so overcome with grief and anger, she turns into Elsa from “Frozen.”

No, really. Freya’s hair turns white, everything she touches freezes and she leaves her sister behind for an ice castle in the north.

Somebody really should have told her to let it go.

Anyway, Freya orders her soldiers to kidnap dozens of children and train them to be huntsmen — and, I guess, huntswomen?

“In my kingdom,” she tells her new subjects, “there is but one law: Do not love.”

Sheesh. That place sounds like a zoning nightmare.

Ultimately, the two best huntsmen/women, Eric (Chris Hemsworth) and Sara (Jessica Chastain), grow up and fall in love. Considering Freya’s one and only law, things do not go well.

“The Huntsman” then jumps ahead seven years to a time after the events of “Snow White.” Prince William (Sam Claflin) drops by to tell Eric that the magic mirror has become more evil, Snow has banished it, and she’s commanding Eric to keep it away from Freya — because, you know, Snow can’t do it herself thanks to the whole sleeping with the director thing.

This also makes various threats to bring Snow to her knees before killing her ring distractingly hollow. Does this magical realm not have access to TMZ? And if not, how do I get there?

Aiding Eric in his quest are Nion (Nick Frost), who the press notes insist was in the original, and his fellow dwarf, Gryff (Rob Brydon). Along the way, they encounter goblins and other enchanted little critters whose presence is glossed over.

They also meet up with she-dwarves Mrs. Bromwyn (Sheridan Smith) and Doreena (Alexandra Roach). While Gryff and Mrs. Bromwyn antagonize each other, Nion and Doreena fall in love as they bond over things that make them thirsty: hot weather, running, salty foods.

Don’t stop there. We don’t have anywhere else to be. Tell us, what else makes you two thirsty?

Screenwriters Evan Spiliotopoulos (Dwayne Johnson’s “Hercules”) and Craig Mazin (the second and third “Hangover” movies) toil away, attempting to craft a compelling reason for “The Huntsman” to exist before finally throwing up their hands. First-time feature director Cedric Nicolas-Troyan displays none of the visual promise of his predecessor.

Aside from some striking costumes, the sole thing “The Huntsman” has going for it is its stellar leading cast. Hemsworth and Chastain, though, struggle mightily with accents best described as Scottish-ish.

Like their speech, the rest of “The Huntsman” is so muddled, it’s easy to feel sorry for Hemsworth, who has to carry the bulk of the movie on his broad shoulders.

You can practically tell he doesn’t want to be there and, odds are, he wouldn’t be if he weren’t contractually obligated.

Surely Hemsworth would have fooled around with Sanders, too, if only he’d known that could have been his ticket out of this foolishness.

Instead, Sanders and Stewart got off easy while everyone else, including moviegoers, is punished.

Contact Christopher Lawrence at clawrence@reviewjournal.com. Find him on Twitter: @life_onthecouch

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