Trix are for kids.
Tobacco spittin' is for men.
(Warning: The following contains politically incorrect material that might not be suitable for those younger than 18.)
The Bullring short track at Las Vegas Motor Speedway treads into new territory Saturday with its first Bullring Bubba Night.
The three-eighths-mile oval already has held an Easter Egg Scramble and a Kids' Candy Toss Night and doled out carnations the night before Mother's Day.
Coming up next week is Swimsuit Night -- no Speedos for men permitted, thankfully -- and later this summer Dairy Days with cow kissing and cow racing and a Faster Pastor race for clergymen.
Bobblehead giveaways are yesterday's draw. T-shirt nights are passe. Bullring Bubba, however, is cutting edge with a bowie knife.
Bubba is an image -- a mind-set.
Bubbas and hicks are friendly, jovial sorts -- not to be confused with mouthier, racist rednecks.
I am my family's Bubba.
The creator of this night to honor Bubbas, once the core demographic for stock-car racing, is the Bullring's top Bubba, Chris Blair. The speedway's senior director of drag racing and dirt track operations, which makes him the Senior Bubba, is from Kentucky, so he never would disrespect his native brethren.
Chris Powell, the speedway's general manager, or Chief Bubba, and most of his management team are from the South. They're proud of being from the land of glory and probably have a Bubba or two in their families.
My vision of Bubba is the late Junior Samples of "Hee Haw" fame. Lovable, cuddly. Sadly, the image of a kind, well-rounded Samples in his overalls has morphed into a louder, more obnoxious Larry the Cable Guy.
The most controversial attraction on Bubba Night will be the tobacco-spittin' contest. All hail Red Man.
A few Bullring regulars have registered a big ptooey that the spittin' will set a bad example for children. Kids don't do well with a cheek full, unless it's from a pouch of Big League Chew bubble gum. And what message does that send?
Bubba Blair has assured us the spittin' is for those 18 and older, and those younger will be shielded from the competition.
This might be the only tobacco-spittin' contest in the country.
Even the Logan County Tobacco & Heritage Festival in Russellville, Ky., dumped the event around 10 years ago. A similarly themed event in South Carolina also has been banished to the politically correct spittoon and replaced by watermelon-seed spitting.
Come on, it's just for fun. The speedway doesn't allow smoking in any of its grandstands. Kudos to the speedway. Second-hand spit, unlike second-hand smoke, doesn't exist. Well, OK, maybe an occasional wisp of overspray.
This event is not for me or anyone else with a beard, unless it's brown or black.
The "beer belly" competition will be far more repulsive to me. And, no, I'm not entered. My excess fatty tissue is marbleized layers aged over 54 years, not from swilling beer.
The salute to Bubbas will feature pickups. But in the past decade, too many socialites have taken to trucks and hang the latest Big Bertha driver from rear-window racks instead of shotguns.
The most offending event will be the "mullet" hairstyle throw-down. No wigs are permitted, so bald men face discrimination. Compounding disgust with revisiting this hairstyle is it conjures visions of Billy Ray Cyrus, and I can't quit humming "Achy Breaky Heart."
This will be a special night for America and the Bullring.
The first 500 fans will get free trucker hats.
Prizes for kids will be provided by U.S. Food Service, which is sponsoring an Oreo cookie-stacking contest.
The Bullring should warn that eating Oreos can contribute to childhood obesity, tooth decay and excessive consumption of dairy products.
Jeff Wolf's motor sports column is published Friday. He can be reached at 383-0247 or firstname.lastname@example.org.