NASCAR Champion's Week is more than half over, and I have yet to encounter the NAPA Kn-kn-kn-know-How Guy.
A guy wearing a Jocko Flocko T-shirt said I might find him at Wednesday's NASCAR Fanfest on Fremont Street.
I saw a lot of guys from Kentucky and some of the other Southern states, such as Georgia. And assorted superheroes, showgirls and a guy who resembled Dale Earnhardt from a distance, if you squinted your eyes, posing for photos and tips. I did not, however, see the NAPA Kn-kn-kn-know-How Guy.
But I did get to meet TV game-show legend Bob Eubanks, so it was an afternoon well spent.
Eubanks, the former host of "The Newlywed Game," reprised that role in what easily was the highlight of Fanfest, a "Newlywed Game" spoof featuring the 12 drivers from the recently concluded Chase for the Sprint Cup Championship. Where possible, teammates on the track were cast as husband and wife -- er, teammate and teammate -- while the Busch Brothers of Las Vegas were of course roundly booed.
To their credit, they took it in stride. There were no visits to the NASCAR hauler, fines or incriminating YouTube videos, near as anyone could tell.
Tony Stewart, Kevin Harvick and Brad Keselowski walked onto the First Street stage drinking a beer and/or promoting a sponsor. All of the drivers appeared to have a good time, but only because Brian Vickers finished 25th in points and was not a contestant.
During the 25-point bonus round, most of the drivers said Vickers was the one they would most like to bump out of the way on the last lap to win a race. But Matt Kenseth said it was a trick question, because Vickers would never be leading on the last lap.
"Ooooh," went the crowd.
Though Kenseth provided witty answers -- more on that later -- and Busch 22 was first to drop a "makin' whoopee" reference on the host, I still thought Eubanks led the most laps.
That he was the only one on stage who agreed to talk afterward had only minimal influence on that opinion. The drivers burned rubber for a waiting bus that whisked them back to Wynn Las Vegas where, I was told, they would spend the evening playing the home version of "Concentration" for huge sums of cash.
Bob Eubanks is now 73, but his teeth still appear 33, and when he smiled and they played the theme song, it was like 1966 all over again. That's the year "The "Newlywed Game" made its television debut. Its first incarnation ended in 1974 with Eubanks having hosted 2,195 episodes. Like Stewart passing 118 cars on his way to winning the championship at Homestead, that might not be an official record. But it should be.
Eubanks also was the host of "Card Sharks" for four years, but that's like winning a race in the truck series.
Afterward, he admitted that when it comes to NASCAR, he's pretty much the 44th car in a 43-car field.
"I don't know much about it," Eubanks said. "But I think it's pretty much the American sport when you think about it."
Eubanks had never heard of Tony Stewart before Wednesday, but I would be willing to wager that Smoke has never heard of Wink Martindale, either. If Eubanks has a favorite NASCAR driver, it would be Marty Robbins, whose singing career Eubanks once managed. Robbins drove in 35 NASCAR races, including the 1973 Daytona 500; no, he never wore "A White Sport Coat and a Pink Carnation" behind the wheel.
"I remember trying to book Marty in concerts, and he said, 'I can't because I'm driving that weekend,' " said Eubanks, who received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in 2000.
I then became the 1,456,569th person to ask about the infamous "Where's the weirdest place you have ever had the urge to make whoopee?" question, and if I repeated what a newlywed wife named Olga said in 1974, I would be sent straight to the NASCAR hauler.
"It'll be on my tombstone," was all Eubanks would say.
For those who didn't stick around for the lovely parting gifts, Stewart and Ryan Newman were crowned the winners when the points were added, which didn't take long. But most in the crowd thought the Maytag washer and dryer should have gone to Kenseth for his snappy comeback when Eubanks asked: "If you had a daughter, which NASCAR driver would you absolutely forbid her to date?"
Kenseth hesitated only briefly before answering, "Danica."
Las Vegas Review-Journal sports columnist Ron Kantowski can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or 702-383-0352. Follow him on Twitter: @ronkantowski.