Everybody hates Chris.
Or so it seems, at times.
Even the dude in question acknowledges as much.
“Tell me what did I do?/ To make you hate me so much,” Chris Brown asks in song on “I Can’t Win.”
Hmm, wonder what it could have been?
Perhaps it was the whole domestic abuse thing, the numerous physical assault charges, the probation violations and/or getting kicked out of court-ordered rehab.
You know, stuff like that.
In plenty of ways, he’s pop music’s public enemy No. 1.
And yet, through it all, Brown has maintained a large, adoring following, continues to sell plenty of records and fills arenas on tours.
Perhaps the moody R&B singer is just misunderstood.
Per usual, this is where we come in to help.
With Brown coming to Las Vegas this weekend, we’ve compiled a sweet playlist to showcase another side of the rubber-limbed performer, who can dance like no another while simultaneously giving voice to the kind of window-fogging bedroom talk that could make Henry Miller blush if, you know, he wasn’t dead.
Is Chris Brown really such a bad guy?
These tunes may just change your mind.
Song: “F*** Um All”
Sample lyric: “(Poop) platinum records and I (pee) gold/ Like a tiger in the freezer I’m a cool cat/ I’m the reason why VIP in the club crack/ I know you love that/ So bring more bottles/ And don’t worry ’bout the tab, I got ’em.”
Now, this is the kind of guy you want to party with. Not only will he pay for your drink, but he can afford to, thanks to the rare ability to defecate precious metals. Waiter, another Schlitz.
Song: “No Bull(poo)”
Sample lyric: “Three in the mornin’, you know I’m horny/ So why don’t you come over my place, and put a smile on my face/ Leavin’ the club, shawty hurry up/ So we can get this party started, and take off our clothes now.”
What a touching sentiment, to know that Chris Brown’s love knows no time constraints, that it’s always there for you — “you” being someone used to seeing her reflection in shiny metal poles. That’s the kind of man he is: At any hour of the day, he’s graciously willing to disrobe as Cupid empties his quill in the direction of a young woman in see-through heels.
Song: “Sex Love”
Sample lyric: “Imma be your heart/ You can read my mind/ I don’t understand it, but I let it slide/Anything you want, baby, I’ll do it.”
Anything? Wow. So, for you, Chris Brown would be willing to dress up as a rogue cucumber and put on a dramatic production of “Sophie’s Choice” starring an array of fastidiously crafted sock puppets with elbow noodles for eyebrows. At least that’s what we think he means by “anything.”
Song: “ ’Till I Die”
Sample lyric: “More drink, pour it up/ More weed, roll it up/ Whoa there, ho, you know wassup/ Quit hoggin’ the blunt, slow down.”
Manners are important. Your mother knows it, and so does Breezy. Here, he helpfully reminds a young lass of the proper etiquette when getting high as Godzilla’s lizard nips whilst toking on a massive spliff. The message: Pass the doob, but don’t pass on the social graces. Granted, Gandhi originally gave voice to the same notion years ago, but did you ever see Gandhi dance? Nothing compared with Brown.
Sample lyric: “Your chocolate covered Hershey kiss, come and blow my candle out/ I promise you can make a wish.”
Now, Brown’s granting wishes, granting them like a tattooed genie who can make your fantasies come true — just so long as your fantasies include being rubbed on by one Chris Brown.
Song: “Nothin’ Like Me”
Sample lyric: “She don’t think that I can change/ So I switched from a Benz to a Range.”
See! Proof that Brown can alter his ways. Don’t you feel stupid right about now for doubting him?
Well, at least you have the opportunity to apologize in person on Saturday.
Chris Brown, Trey Songz, Tyga
8 p.m. Saturday
Mandalay Bay Events Center, 3950 Las Vegas Blvd. South