Somewhere, there’s a family that’s the target audience for “Blended.”
You do not want to be anywhere near this family.
In fact, its members should be forced to wear matching T-shirts proclaiming “We’re that family that’s the target audience for “Blended’ ” just so you can see them coming.
And then you can flee.
On the surface, “Blended” appears to be a family comedy.
Divorcee Lauren (Drew Barrymore) is raising two little hellions disguised as boys who clearly need a father figure.
Widower Jim (Adam Sandler) is raising three girls as though they were boys: Androgynous 15-year-old Hilary goes by Larry, his middle daughter’s legal name is Espn (get it?!) and his 4-year-old is named Lou.
You can almost hear the sales pitch: “She’s a professional organizer! He’s a mess!”
Lauren and Jim go on a disastrous blind date. He doesn’t bother to change out of his Dick’s Sporting Goods work shirt, and he takes her to Hooters.
It’s one of at least a dozen mentions of the two establishments as part of product placement that’s so blatant, the movie might as well have been called “Dick’s Sporting Goods Presents a Hooters Production of ‘Blended.’ ”
While they initially hate each other, Lauren, Jim and their kids end up being forced to share a suite during an African safari, because that’s the sort of thing that just happens in movies like this.
But back to that target audience family.
There are plenty of scenes and storylines in “Dick’s Sporting Goods Presents a Hooters Production of ‘Blended’ ” that are geared to younger viewers.
Espn really misses her dead mom, who’s kind of become her invisible friend. Larry has trouble transitioning from tomboy to girly girl. Lou desperately needs a mother figure. And Lauren’s boys are suffering through the very real pain of being all but abandoned by their absentee dad.
Yet for every scene pitched to the tween-and-younger crowd, there’s another featuring a couple of rhinos doin’ it. Or Lauren’s assistant talking about how sore she is after sex. Or plenty of jokes about teenage masturbation. Or middle fingers. Or a horrifyingly specific tampon gag.
All of that’s perfect for that target audience family, the one with the adorable little girl who just can’t get enough sex jokes.
Every other family, though, should expect a few uncomfortable questions on the car ride home.
■ ‘Talent’ show: Las Vegan Rokardy Rodriguez will perform his balancing act on the season premiere of “America’s Got Talent” (8 p.m. Tuesday, KSNV-TV, Channel 3). This marks the first season in memory that the variety show won’t have a Las Vegas round.
■ Special screening: Go back in time with a screening of the digitally restored “Back to the Future.” See it at 2 p.m. Sunday and 2 and 7 p.m. Wednesday at The Orleans, Sam’s Town, Santa Fe, Suncoast and South Point.
Contact Christopher Lawrence at firstname.lastname@example.org or 702-380-4567.