On Wednesday, it won’t be enough to tell Siri, “Take me to the old people with weird hair.”
That’s because the final presidential debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton and the first of two Rolling Stones concerts will be in two Las Vegas arenas on the same night, not quite three miles apart along Tropicana Avenue.
To make matters more confusing, Trump has continually used Stones songs such as “Start Me Up” and “Brown Sugar” at campaign events, prompting the band to protest.
To ease the fears of you accidentally walking into the wrong event — the Stones at T-Mobile Arena or the debate at the Thomas & Mack Center, here are a dozen ways to tell the two apart.
1. Hillary Clinton’s blazers will have slightly fuller shoulder pads than Mick Jagger’s.
2. The Stones give you reasons to have “Sympathy for the Devil.” Donald Trump calls Clinton the devil, and doesn’t seem the least bit sympathetic about wanting to put her in jail.
3. Stones: “We gonna come around at 12 with some Puerto Rican girls that are just dyin’ to meet you!”
Trump: “I love Hispanics!”
4: Stones: “You can start me up … If you like it you can slide it up … My hands are greasy, She’s a mean, mean machine.” Trump: “But this is locker room talk.”
5. Clinton says she will raise taxes on those making more than $250,000 a year “because I think we’ve got to go where the money is.”
The seating sections at the Stones concert where tickets cost $750? Where the money is.
6. Jagger’s current girlfriend is a ballerina. Trump’s current wife was a model. Jagger’s longtime girlfriend, Jerry Hall, was a model. So was Trump’s first wife, Ivana. Melania Trump is 17 years older than Jagger girlfriend Melanie Hamrick, even though Jagger is three years older than Trump.
OK, maybe this one only makes it harder to tell the two apart.
7. Keith Richards has survived heroin addiction and a fall from a tree. Hillary has survived Bill.
8. Jagger’s puffed-out lips make funny shapes when he struts with his hand on his hip and says “Gimme, gimme, gimme, the honky tonk blues.” Trump’s puffed-out lips make funny shapes when he stalks Hillary with his arms folded and says “Wrong. Wrong.”
9. Charlie Watts has a bemused smile, as though he is a detached spectator watching Jagger and Richards cavort around the stage. Hillary tries for the same while Trump is talking, but can’t hold it frozen for even half a song.
10. Trump alleges the deal with Iran involves “$1.7 billion in cash, which is enough cash to fill up this room.” The Stones won’t be able to fill a room with that much cash until the end of the tour.
11. Trump and Clinton consistently poll as the least popular presidential candidates ever. The Stones probably won’t play anything from the unpopular albums “Dirty Work” or “A Bigger Bang.” But even if they do, don’t bother telling the T-Mobile audience to hold its applause until the end.
12. The Stones are guaranteed to sing “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” A month from now, only one of the debate candidates will.
Read more from Mike Weatherford at reviewjournal.com. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org and follow @Mikeweatherford on Twitter.
Who: Rolling Stones
When: 8 p.m. Wednesday and Oct. 22
Where: T-Mobile Arena, 3780 Las Vegas Blvd. South
Tickets: $75-$750 (888-929-7849)