We’re pretty awesome at giving presents. Like, right now, were giving you the gift of mirth, insight and Neil deGrasse Tyson-shaming intellect — and we didn’t even have to waste any dough on wrapping paper.
Uh, yeah, we’re good at this. And you can be too. Just follow this handy gift guide for any and all music lovers in your life.
Motorhead bottle opener
If you’re like us, you hoist adult beverages daily in tribute to the man who guzzled whiskey from a pint glass and defined what it meant to be a true rock and roll lifer until his final booze-saturated breath: the one and only Lemmy Kilmister. If you’re not, well, it’s time to stop disappointing your loved ones and get with the program. Start with this handy Motorhead bottle opener, which is all metal — just like Kilmister was. $10, shop.imotorhead.com
Willie Nelson braids
Some folks mediate or do yoga or huff household cleaning products to clear the mind, which is cool and all. But it’s like Buddha once said, “Zen is best achieved with as little effort as possible, my dawg.” And so we turn to the man who is the human embodiment of peace of mind: Willie Nelson. Slap on these braids, and like Willie himself, you will immediately be transported to a state of pure mental tranquility and bliss. We have no idea how he does it. None at all. Total mystery. Hey Willie, whatcha smokin’ there? $14.99, shop.willienelson.com
Morrissey tote bag
Meat is murder, and just as lethal is this killer fashion accessory. The ideal soy burger transportation accoutrement, this handy tote will get all your animal-free edibles from Point A to Point B in style. Morrissey is music’s most outspoken vegan. Now you can be just as proactive without saying a word. That’s a win for everybody. $25, us.mporium.org
Gene Simmons vault
If you’re one of those do-gooder types, you could always donate money to a charity in a loved one’s name this holiday season. Or, you could help someone truly in need — namely, down-and-out Kiss singer-bassist Gene Simmons. For a mere $2,000, you can cop this sweet collection of 150 unreleased Simmons tunes, which comes in an actual vault. Best of all, the notoriously destitute Simmons will hand-deliver it to you as a sign of gratitude. And then he’ll crash on your couch. $2,000, genesimmonsvault.com
Metallica, ‘Master of Puppets’ expanded edition
The first metal album to be included in the Library of Congress’ National Recording Registry is also the last album you should be without if you don’t want the neighbor kids rightfully TP-ing your house on a daily basis as a visual reminder of your overall lameness. Do it right with this mammoth box set centered on a remastered version of the thrash classic in question, the deluxe edition of which boasts three LPs, 10 CDs, a cassette, two DVDs, a 180-page book and more. With this bad boy, those days of raking up Charmin from your front lawn are over, dude. $174.98, metallica.com