It’s like arming Cupid with a crossbow.
That’s what taking your special someone to see Mariah Carey on Valentine’s Day at the Colosseum at Caesars Palace will be like.
If “Dreamlover,” “Loverboy,” “Love Takes Time,” “I Stay in Love” “Love Story,” “I’ll Be Lovin’ U Long Time” and “Stay Long Love You” don’t have you seein’ stars, emotionally speaking, then clearly your heart has glaucoma.
Even then, one angel-voiced rendition of “Vision of Love” will clear that up posthaste.
You see, it’s like Cannibal Corpse frontman George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher famously sang: “Music is the language of love.” (Actually, it came out as “Bleeeuuuuugggghhh!,” but we’re pretty sure that’s what he was trying to get across.)
With this in mind, a concert is the perfect Valentine’s Day date.
But with so many options this year, how can you be sure you’re choosing the right one?
We’re here to help, with five perfect shows for five types of dates:
The hot-and-bothered boomer
Shaun Cassidy, Green Valley Ranch Resort
Look, there’s nothing wrong with living in the past. Gas prices were cheaper and Bud Light Orange had yet to be invented. That’s a win-win right there. Do yourself a favor and reel in the years with your sexy boomer in the presence of this former teen heartthrob. Remember his top 10 hits “Morning Girl” and “That’s Rock ’n’ Roll”? You shouldn’t — it was the ’70s, after all. But, hey, there are clear benefits to taking a trip back in time: You had way more hair then.
The party starter
GayC/DC, Backstage Bar & Billiards
If these fellas don’t make you smile, it’s probably because your dog just got flattened by a cement truck. Here’s the thing, though: You can always get another loyal life companion who’s the tail-wagging embodiment of selfless love in its purest distillation. But when you are going to get another chance to see an all-gay tribute act to the greatest rock ’n’ roll band to have ever penned a song about doing bad things at discount prices? Seriously, when “Whole Lotta Rosie” becomes “Whole Lotta Jose” in this band’s hands, we’re a whole lotta stoked.
The newly single
Dierks Bentley, The Chelsea at The Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas
Did someone just treat your heart like Benji does fire hydrants? Drag. Weathering a recent breakup on Valentine’s Day is no fun at all. Don’t worry, though, as this country booze champion pens some of the best songs about drinking your loneliness away — or, you know, totally, totally making it 10 times worse. See: “Whiskey Tears,” “Domestic, Light and Cold,” “Bottle to the Bottom” and/or the immortal “Drunk on a Plane” — and then see about getting a wheelbarrow full of Liver Aid. Best of all, you won’t wake up alone: That hangover will share the bed with you, at least.
The friend zone inhabitant
Almost Queen, Brooklyn Bowl at The Linq
You care about the guy, just like you care about seeing pictures of your co-worker’s kids: Not that much. You want to acknowledge him on Valentine’s Day. You could surprise him with tickets to see Queen frontman Adam Lambert when he visits Las Vegas in April, but it’d be better to spring for this much more budget-friendly Queen tribute act instead. This way your monetary investment will be on par with your emotional one.
The cowbell aficionado
Blue Oyster Cult, Showroom at the Golden Nugget
Don’t fear the reaper, or any concerns you might have about earning some hot lovin’ from the classic rock hair farmer in your life by scoring tix to see these proto-metal forebears with an enviable knack for song titles (“7 Screaming Diz-Busters,” “Mistress of the Salmon Salt (Quicklime Girl),” “Baby Ice Dog,” etc.). Yeah, they know how to sweet-talk the ladies, just in case you need a little assistance in that department: Watch her melt to “She’s as Beautiful as a Foot” like Olaf in the bowels of hell. “This Ain’t the Summer of Love”? Only ’cause it’s still February, dudes.