You are a man.
You are going to a Beyonce show with your lady.
Being a dude in the presence of Sasha Fierce and her army of amped-up female followers means you need to act right or else risk getting a high heel broken off in an uncomfortable place.
In order to help the fellas on this endeavor, here’s a song-by-song guide on how to carry oneself as a guy at a Beyonce concert, culled from tunes from the set list to her current “The Mrs. Carter Show World Tour,” which stops in Vegas this weekend.
“Run the World (Girls)”: This one sets the tone for the evening. “Who run the world?” Beyonce asks. Hmmm, the Illuminati? The military-industrial complex? Mustache-stroking oil barons? Nope. The correct answer is Wolverine. But you say, “Girls!”
“ ’Til the End of Time”: Here, Beyonce pledges eternal love to her man. “There’s nothing between us but space and time,” she sings. Despite the urge to do so, refrain from pointing out that space and time are relative, thereby rendering her affections mutable while noting that, “Someone needs to get her Carl Sagan on.”
“Flaws and All”: Beyonce’s not perfect, and neither is your girl. That’s OK. Accept her for her shortcomings. To wit, this is a really good time to tell your woman that even though she’s not nearly as hot as her sister, you still don’t mind being seen with her in public.
“You Are a Queen” (Interlude): Yes, of course, just nod along as if you were tracking a piece of bacon with your eyes.
“If I Were a Boy”: A song that argues that if your lady was a dude, she would be a better listener and more attentive than you. Or something like that. Don’t know. Wasn’t really paying attention.
“Get Me Bodied”: At the end of this one, Beyonce urges the ladies to drop their derrieres down low and “sweep the floor wit it.” Be a gentleman, spill a little popcorn, give her something to work with.
“Baby Boy”: “Fulfill my fantasies,” Beyonce tells her man on this hit. Ask your lady what her fantasies are. Then ask if maybe you could be included in them next time. Also, have Channing Tatum murdered.
“Diva”: On this one, Beyonce helpfully explains what a woman is looking for in a man. “When he pull up, wanna pop my hood up / But he better have a six-pack in the cooler.” But of course. A Schlitz for the lady?
“Naughty Girl”: “I’m feeling kind of n-a-s-t-y,” Beyonce sings. “Try taking a s-h-o-w-e-r,” you reply. This shows your date how smart, helpful and hygienic you can be — sometimes, all at once, even.
“Freakum Dress”: A cautionary tale. If you don’t treat your lady right, she’ll punish you by putting on sexy clothes that she no longer wears around you and head out to the club. Now is the time to let her know that she’s appreciated. Offer to do something special with her after the concert, like show her your prized collection of used bandages.
“1+1”: Equals two. Unless your lady says otherwise, of course.
“Grown Woman”: Beyonce’s a grown woman. Your woman is a grown woman. You’re a grown man. Time to do some grown-up stuff, right? Awww, yeah, let’s save for retirement, schedule colonoscopies and watch HGTV until the sun comes up, baby.
“I Will Always Love You”: By now, your gal’s passions will be stirred. This is when you pounce, like a sex cat chasing down his sumptuous she-prey. Make growling sounds, swish your imaginary tail, and paw the air seductively. Just don’t get too far into character and thrust your butt high up in the air if she happens to stroke your back.
“Halo”: Beyonce compares her man to an angel, here. How sweet. Reciprocate by whispering a cute nickname in your gal’s ear, like Snuggle Turd or Flower Ass — you know, something pretty.
“Irreplaceable”: Some tough love here. Beyonce’s letting any two-timing dudes know that they’re expendable, so be good or you’ll get kicked to the curb unceremoniously. “Could you walk and talk at the same time?” Beyonce asks. Uh, yeah. It’s typing and being clever simultaneously that we struggle with.
Contact reporter Jason Bracelin at jbracelin@
reviewjournal.com or 702-383-0476.
8 p.m. Saturday
MGM Grand Garden arena, 3799 Las Vegas Blvd. South