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David Lee Roth speaking own language with Van Halen

It’s impossible to be hyperbolic when it comes to David Lee Roth because the dude is hyperbole zipped up in a man suit.

Seriously, there’s no compliment that we could pay him that he probably hasn’t paid himself already – and done so in far wittier fashion, no doubt.

And so we don’t hesitate to call Roth one of the greatest hard rock frontmen of all time, what with the elastic-groin leg kicks, the four-octave range capable of shattering the windshield on an 18-wheeler and the ability to look better in leopard print than any damn jungle cat.

But maybe best of all is the guy’s vocabulary, a wide-ranging bonanza of self-invented terms.

To better understand Roth’s grammatical genius, we thought we’d help out with a glossary of freshly minted words and phrases that Roth has come up with on Van Halen’s latest record, “A Different Kind of Truth,” his first with the band in 28 years.

Now, some have criticized the album because it includes a few reworked songs from the early ’70s that date back to the origins of the group, but that’s exactly why it kicks ass: It’s vintage Van Halen, full of wild-eyed guitar solos that sound as if they were played by a six-armed robot, tectonic drums and of course, a big, sticky, sweat-slicked smorgasbord of hornball double entendres from ol’ dirty-minded Dave.

But, to fully appreciate the record, you need to learn how to speak Roth’s language.

Here are a few helpful definitions of Roth-ese to get you started:

■ Mousewife: A demure, button-down married lass. Clearly, a woman in need of some release. Hmmm, wonder who might offer their services here? (Roth frantically waves arm in air like the pointy-headed kid in class the teacher is tired of always calling on.)

■ Momshell: A sexually attractive female who has produced offspring. Roth is to these gals what a wolverine who’s just finished fasting for Lent is to a buffet of baby chicks.

■ Stone soul sistah soccer mom: See above. Starting to see a theme here? Well, at least Roth is chasing after women in the vicinity of his age. Plus, if things were to develop further, Roth would make a bitchin’ stepdad – at least until it came time for parent-teacher conferences.

Teacher: Have you seen junior’s grades?

Roth: I brought my pencil! (Winking, pointing to codpiece.) Gimme something to write on!

And then she leaps up on her desk and tears her clothes off, inexplicably revealing a powder blue bikini and a beauty pageant sash.

Hey, we don’t make this stuff up.

Van Halen does.

■ Thunder thong: A female undergarment of some sort. Sounds vaguely menacing, doesn’t it? With connotations of angry skies and malevolent cloud formations. This is what occasionally gets exposed when a slutty storm front bends over.

■ Garage-a-Trois: A three-way next to boxed up Christmas ornaments and underused gardening equipment? C’mon, Dave, that’s how spiders get it on.

■ Despocrat: A shady politician. Perhaps Diamond Dave should show ’em how it’s done in our nation’s capital and run for office. His campaign slogan: It’s time for change! (And by “change,” I mean your clothes. While I’m watching. But only if you’re a hot chick. Or a momshell.) On second thought, that might be hard to fit on a yard sign.

■ Muchacha-miga: A new way of attempting to say “girlfriend” in Spanish. Apparently, Roth enjoys going south of the border (need to say those last four words while making air quotes and chortling knowingly).

■ Face grenade with the sex pin pulled: A deadly weapon of carnal devastation about to explode. This is what Roth envisions himself as.

Call in the bomb squad!

Or, better yet, your mom.

Contact reporter Jason Bracelin at
jbracelin@ reviewjournal.com or 702-383-0476.

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