Give her a ride, let her swing from rafters

Comedian Judy Tenuta – she of the accordion – has a simple request for Steve Wynn. She wants him to turn her into a Vegas ride.

“It would have to be a replica of me, because nobody’s going to ride me” on a human-body level, says Tenuta, who performs at Palace Station tonight through Saturday.

“I would hope he would turn me into a ceiling, like he did with the ceiling at the Bellagio with the flowers. A Goddess Ceiling would be nice, and people could swing from it.”

Oh, that Judy Tenuta, is still crazy.

And she is still making fun of pop culture. She put out a music video last year mocking Lady Gaga. It’s called “Hot Bra Cones.” It is crafty, and Tenuta sings while dressed as stupidly as Gaga:

“Hello, hello, baby, I just love to hide my face. Cover it all up with crap like I’m from outer space. Talk just like a baby, ‘goo goo gaga ooh la la.’ And pretty soon you’ll figure out Madonna is my mama.”

But when I tell Tenuta I don’t like Gaga, she flips out.

“What do you mean? I love her! But I love all of them. I love Madonna. I love her. I love anybody who is so creative like that,” Tenuta says.

“She’s from another planet, that girl. And she’s put on 30 pounds. She’s ready for the Thanksgiving Day parade.”

The person Tenuta reserves actual distaste for is Lindsay Lohan, who she calls “Lick Me Blow Hands.” Lohan is “pathetic,” especially for drunken driving, she says. But she’s even willing to cut Lohan a bit of a break.

“When you’re a child star like that, it’s very difficult,” Tenuta says.

Lohan didn’t have as nice of a home life as the more stable ex-child star, Selena Gomez, she says.

“Lindsay’s parents are constantly fighting over screen time. They’re just as bad as she is. Where does she get it from, you know what I’m saying?”

But Tenuta has other targets. She wants to “bitch slap” Simon Cowell for wanting to ask Khloe Kardashian to host “X Factor.” The Kardashian family itself is a bunch of “no talents.”

But the worst in her eyes may be the family on “Honey Boo Boo,” issuing such sentences as “We’re gonna slide into the tractor with our mud!”

“I can’t look at people that ugly, I’m sorry,” Tenuta says.

“I want to look at my movie stars who are being paid $10 million or $20 million a picture, and they better act well,” she says.

“You are disqualified from television if you have talent. Look at these housewives: Who can get better trout mouth? … ‘I just bitch-slapped my husband with my trout-mouth so I deserve more screen time!’ ”

Yeah, that basically sums up why I don’t watch much TV anymore.

Doug Elfman’s column appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. Email him at He blogs at

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