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Some music ‘news’ you can use

Don’t be a fool, get hip to the latest happenings in the Vegas music scene with these timely “news” briefs:

Scientists concerned over proposed concert. While plenty of gray-bearded hair farmers in rusted-out Camaros are “beyond stoked” to catch the Styx-Foreigner-Kansas triple bill at the Mandalay Bay Events Center on May 22, some local brainy types are less than enthused.

“This is just too much rock in one concentrated area,” warns scientist Newt Virgin. “The sheer density of these bands’ butt smokin’ jams could threaten to throw the Earth right off its orbit. Excuse the pun, but the situation is ‘Urgent.’ “

When pressed for comment, Foreigner riff slinger Mick Jones was unmoved.

“Pfftt,” he snorted in response. “That little dweeb is just playing ‘Head Games.’ “

Ticketmaster announces exciting new deals. Known for their customer friendly ways and totally non-sodomy-like service charges, ticket giant Ticketmaster has announced some promising new offers.

“We are accepting young children in exchange for premium seats to Kip Winger’s much anticipated comeback tour in our exciting new ‘Tots for Tix’ promotion,” a company spokesman said recently. “But only firstborns. And no fatties.”

And that’s not all. Expect more primo discounts to the hottest shows.

“We will take your grandma’s dentures for half-off Coolio tickets,” the spokesman said, “just as long as there’s gold in them.”

Vegas death metal band planning special covers album. Though best known for such karaoke staples as “Razorized Ball Gag” and “Gluttonous Portions of Intestinal Seepage,” Vegas death metallers Guttural Secrete have announced an exciting new tribute disc.

“We’re proud to give ‘A Little Respect’ to one of our biggest influences: Erasure,” the band said in a press release. “If you listen closely to songs like ‘Feminine Skin Suit’ and ‘Reek of Pubescent Despoilment’ you can hear Vince Clarke and Andy Bell shining through them like angels of light. Together, we will break these ‘Chains of Love.’ And some faces.”

Panic at the Disco mining new influences. Having channeled the Beatles on their last album, Vegas rockers Panic at the Disco are digging even deeper into pop’s past nowadays.

“The boys are on a serious Monkees jag,” a band confidant said. “Most people don’t know it, but they were a huge ass influence on the Fab Four.”

Though no release date has been set for Panic’s third record, expect big things.

“I mean, the Beatles were cool and all,” the inside source said. “But c’mon, ‘Gonna Buy Me a Dog’ kicks ‘Let It Be’ square in the nuts.”

Contact reporter Jason Bracelin at jbracelin@reviewjournal.com or 702-383-0476.

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