Hard labor required to birth new website

This is one of the proudest days of my life. I mean, sure, it’s not up there with the births of my children, or fitting into size 10 jeans, but still, it’s pretty good. Today, I’d like to announce the “birth” of my very own website: www.vickiwentz.com!

It was truly a rough labor — and not always a “labor of love,” as illustrated by the dents in my computer, caused by having been repeatedly hurled from decks, balconies and mountaintops the past few months. It weighed in at about 72 gigabytes — just kidding, of course, because I have no idea how many gigabytes are in it … or on it … or, actually, what a gigabyte is — and, it’s about four pages long.

My website never cries, but it hasn’t allowed me to sleep through the night yet, either, what with lying there worrying about its colors, its fonts, its content, and — being the kind of person who can beat the hell out of a metaphor — whether it will grow up to become president one day.

The guy who did the website for me is Mike Hodges, because, please, like I know how to make a website, or could ever learn how to make a website; my head is already full, as I’ve said time and again, and if I try to put anything else in there, I’d have to lose something, and it could be something really important, like how to swallow. Mike is a college friend of my son, Rob, and does this kind of stuff for a living, which is astounding to me. He has said entire sentences to me in which I’ve understood only a few words such as “the” or “click” … or “cookies,” but I don’t think he meant what I meant, because I just ended up with lots of crumbs in my keyboard.

Anyway, Mike is an extremely busy guy, and he was so sweet to fit me in, and so kind, and so patient, especially when I kept calling him honey and sweetie, which I do because he’s cute, and he’s my son’s friend, so in my mind he’ll be around 18 years old for the rest of his life. In fact, I need to remember to send him some brownies — I’m sure he’ll appreciate that more than money, don’t you think?

So, I told Mike I just wanted something very simple, nothing fancy, kinda modest … you know, just like me. And, each day or two, Mike would send me mock-ups of my website, and I would send him feedback on how it looked.

Mike: Here’s the home page. Let me know what you think. And, would you like to send any more photos?

Me: It’s perfect! I love it! But, maybe we could change the background color to a greener blue, and I don’t like the quotes at the beginning, and how about changing the font to a prettier, scripty kind of thing, and what’s that little icon under my picture? And, that’s the only good picture of me in 20 years, so that’s it! Why? Don’t you like it?

Mike: All of your changes have been made. The icon under your picture is for your Facebook page. I like your picture, just wondered if you wanted to add any.

Me: I don’t have a Facebook page! I can’t do a Facebook page! Please don’t make me do a Facebook page! My head is …

Mike: Full. I know, I know. I’ll remove the Facebook icon.

Me: And, if you like my picture, why would I need to add any? You don’t really like it, do you?

Mike: I like your picture, really. Now, take a look at these changes, and here’s a site where you can learn how to add or edit content to your website — it’s a good idea to get started with their tutorial as soon as you can.

Me: Tutorial? I have to do a whole tutorial? Can’t you just tell me how to do it? Like in normal, human language? These tutorial people always think you know stuff you totally don’t know. What if I flunk? I love the changes, though! Except let’s try more of a teal blue, don’t you think? And, I’ve looked everywhere, but I can’t find another decent photograph of me anywhere — including my baby book! I can’t believe y’all don’t like my picture, I don’t know what to do!

Mike: Ms. Wentz, I like your picture. We all like your picture. The entire office is crazy about your picture!

Me: You don’t have to yell. And, I think I’ve changed my mind on that blue. I’d like more of a robin’s egg rather than a teal. What do you think?

Mike: (I think Rob owes me for the rest of his life!)

Me: What?

Mike: Nothing.

Vicki Wentz’s column, which appears here on Sundays, is published in newspapers across the country. She is a high school teacher who lives in Chapel Hill, N.C. Readers may contact her at v.wentz@yahoo.com.

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