Christmas is the perfect time to remind friends and family back east that you live in a warm place where anything goes, and they don’t.
We scoured local gift shops for the cheesiest Las Vegas trinkets we could find to send them in the spirit of holiday cheer. These are the ones we could print in a family newspaper.
($32.99 at Bonanza Gifts Shop, 2440 Las Vegas Blvd. South):
Lights flash and a tacky tune blasts as the scantily clad lady revolves, reminding your cousin Irving that, a) it’s time to get up for that job he dreads, and b) he lives alone, because no wife would have allowed him to hook this thing up.
CROOKED LAS VEGAS DICE
($3.97 at Coyote, 316 Fremont St.):
They’re weighted to roll only sevens and 11s. In case idiocy runs in your family, the packaging warns: “Do not try to use in casinos.”
“LAS VEGAS COUNTY JAIL” T-SHIRT
($7.99 at Viva Vegas, Fashion Show mall,
3200 Las Vegas Blvd. South):
No need to buy this for the crooked-dice recipient — if he uses his other present in a casino. (He’ll get the genuine article for free.)
VEGAS EGG TIMER PAPERWEIGHT
($3.97 at Crazy Ely’s, 323 Fremont St.): Sure, it’s a biting commentary on how fast one’s money disappears in Vegas. However, three perfectly good pennies are trapped inside. So your gift will be reports of how fun it was to watch Aunt Bertha try to remove them.
“I LOST MY ASS
IN LAS VEGAS”
HALF A COFFEE CUP
($4.95 at Welcome to Las Vegas Gift Shop, Fashion Show mall, 3200 Las Vegas Blvd. South):
This is practical as well as humorous. Once we all become homeless, it will require fewer coins to make the cup appear full.
“WELCOME TO LAS VEGAS” SHOT GLASS ($4.97 at Coyote, 316 Fremont St.):
Talk about body shots. The pretty lady is glued to the rim, so the alcohol must pour over her. Time to coin the term “hot-filtered.”
“VEGAS PIMP” 5 OUNCE STAINLESS STEEL FLASK
($6.99 at Viva Vegas, Fashion Show mall, 3200 Las Vegas Blvd. South):
Nothing says pimp like anything that says “pimp” on it. In other words, this is a gift best presented ironically.
“THE TRAVELER’S GUIDE TO THE BEST CAT HOUSES IN NEVADA”
($10.99 at Bonanza Gifts Shop, 2440 Las Vegas Blvd. South):
What your friend will really need is a guide to how to explain this to his wife. (For extra fun, send it in a box marked “amazon.com,” so it looks like he ordered it himself.)
GIANT LAS VEGAS BEER BOTTLE PIGGY BANK
($9.99 at Bonanza Gifts Shop, 2440 Las Vegas Blvd. South):
A nifty reminder of what thousands and thousands of saved coins will buy if the economy continues tanking: one bottle of beer.
“CSI: LAS VEGAS” EVIDENCE BAG AND LED FLASHLIGHT
($9.99 for the bag, $12.99 for the light at Bonanza Gifts Shop, 2440 Las Vegas Blvd. South):
These handy tools will prove crucial in the ongoing investigation into why your friends are such nerds.