STEVEN KALAS: Father tries to manipulate relationship with grandchildren

I read your article "It takes commitment to put mean people in their place" (lvrj.com/living/it-takes-commitment-to-put-mean-people-in-their-place-84895477.html). I have a father that has been emotionally abusive all my life and once physically abusive. He and I have been off and on in relationship with one another as I have always tried to keep my boundaries with him. I find that it is difficult because I do love my father. Logically, I am not sure why I would love him.

I am now 40 and have two children of my own. He does visit on occasion and call them and they do care for him. He has never been out of line with my children; I have always had a watchful eye when he was around as I do not trust him. Recently we had a falling out and his recent comment to me over the phone was, "I am not sure I want to know you." I know he was saying that to be hurtful. However, I have to ask myself, "What am I doing?"

He said he wants to have a weekly phone call with my kids but does not want to speak with me at all. Am I crazy to allow this? Do you cut your parent off or do you keep tight boundaries and let your children have a relationship? I am worried that he will someday be hurtful to them as well.

I feel clouded in my perspective. I have asked my husband what he thinks we should do, but his history with family is so normal that this seems so obscure and surreal to him. Any advice you could provide would be appreciated. - J.L., Las Vegas

In the years since I have been writing Human Matters, there have been perhaps three or four columns that have found a life of their own. The column you reference is one of those. I wrote it nearly three years ago. And I still hear from readers about it. I guess it struck a nerve.

You say you have a "clouded perspective." You say there is no logical reason to love your father. In psychological terms, you have a particularly awful, painful ambivalence. The bonds of blood between a daughter and a father are, in the end, immutable. If you sever all contact with him, the bond will still be consequential to you, even in his absence. This is your journey. Your lot.

On the other hand, he is the only maternal grandfather your children will ever have. As you say, they care for him. He has never been "out of line" with them.

And now he poses a dilemma. No surprise, it is a mean dilemma, asking you to tolerate being treated as persona non grata while he nurtures his relationships with his grandchildren. He wants you to fall on his sword. To be willingly banished into the darkness of his disdain while he "makes normal" with your children.

Personally, I think his request is absurd on its face. A bit like me asking one of my children to roast and eat his own foot in his bedroom, while the rest of us have dinner at the kitchen table.

I suggest this analogy: Think of your father as your ex-husband. You have sole legal custody of the children. Your ex is a Mean Person (to you); but, he's the kids' only father, and he wants to spend time with his children.

The fact is, it's in your best interest, if possible, to be remembered by your children as always working and hoping for and supporting their relationship with their father to thrive. "I don't like your father so you shouldn't like your father" is not a position of credibility and strength. If you can avoid presenting yourself to your children in this way, you should.

So, your offer would sound something like this

"Pop, the option of having access to your grandchildren while ignoring (not talking to) me is not an option. However, if you will offer me common courtesy when you call or visit (eye contact, hellos and goodbyes, a hospitable mood and facial expressions), and if you never recruit the kids to an alliance against me (that is, involve them or use them in our estrangement), then, yes, you can have a relationship with the kids. Should you violate these rules, let alone should you ever treat the children the way you treat me, your access to your grandchildren will be summarily terminated. That's my offer. All terms and conditions are final. Have a nice day."

How old are your children? Regardless, they will sooner or later notice the void between their mother and their grandfather. They will ask about it. You will take the high road: 'My relationship with your grandfather is not good. We have a painful history together. I'm not sure we'll ever work it out."

And your dad? If he thinks he can indefinitely roll with his grandchildren without ever facing their feelings and possibly questions about his antipathy for their mother, I would say he has another thing coming.

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Las Vegas Psychiatry and the author of "Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing" (Stephens Press). His columns appear on Sundays. Contact him at 227-4165 or skalas@reviewjournal.com.