COMMENTARY: The things AI can’t do

Goldman Sachs predicts artificial intelligence may displace up to 300 million jobs by 2027.

Of course, I acquired that information from AI, so I have no idea if it’s true or if AI is just trying to bully me into making friends with it so it won’t render me as obsolete at work as I am at home.

And although AI is already doing amazing things, like making teachers all over the country wish (even more) that they had an IV drip of margaritas when they grade essays, there are, unfortunately, plenty of practical tasks that AI still can’t perform.

For example, on a recent Saturday, instead of relaxing in my recliner and allowing college football to determine my mood for the next week, I found myself installing a new toilet seat — long before the previous toilet seat had reached its “best if used by” date.

This happens to be the seat for the toilet in my youngest and quietest daughter’s bathroom, and I have to replace it about as often as I change the oil in my car.

This time, the seat was practically ripped off its hinges, which might be understandable if it were in the Texas Aggie football team’s locker room.

But this is the bathroom of an average-sized teenage girl who only gets violent when I make jokes about replacing her bra pad thingies with live rodents if she doesn’t stop leaving her dirty clothes all over the bathroom floor.

Luckily, replacing a toilet seat is a job that even an unusually incompetent chimpanzee could do, so I managed to handle it with only a few ruptured disks. Thanks a lot, AI.

On that same Saturday, I also cleaned out the washing machine filter and had the audacity to shift the adjacent dryer about a half inch, which naturally caused the rear dryer vent hose to come loose.

Then, I had to perform advanced parkour moves to squeeze between the washer and dryer to reattach the unwieldy hose, which was clearly invented by Vladimir Putin.

I soon found myself lodged between the back of the dryer and the back wall of the laundry room, underneath a set of built-in cabinets. I’m convinced that this cramped space was designed as a trap for mechanically disinclined dads. While I was incarcerated back there, I decided to clean out the exhaust hose and dragged out enough lint for a lifetime of bellybutton excavations.

For a few minutes, I considered just staying there permanently to avoid going to work on Monday morning, but I figured I’d miss going out to eat Mexican food too much.

Eventually, I found my way out of the dad trap, sweating like that last gas station hot dog wiener on a roller grill and covered in underwear dust. Thanks a lot, AI.

Although a few jobs may, indeed, go away someday, I’ll bet dads and husbands will still be installing toilet seats and loitering behind appliances far into the future, continuing to be unsung household heroes in the rolling eyes of their wives and children — no thanks to AI.

Graves is an award-winning humor columnist from East Texas. His columns have been featured in Texas Escapes magazine, The Shreveport Times, The Longview News Journal, and The Kilgore News Herald. Contact Graves at susanjase@sbcglobal.net.