You have no idea how much I want this to happen:
When the NFL draft begins Thursday in prime time, you figure countless boys and girls across the nation will be on laptops, perhaps completing their homework while attending school virtually during these times of the coronavirus pandemic.
And some poor, unsuspecting kid — say, a fourth grader in Buffalo — will click on what he believes to be a math assignment and instead see Bill Belichick staring back.
As the child runs screaming through the house in terror while searching for a parent, the Patriots coach will continue squinting into the screen with those death-stare eyes, his customary frown and twitching facial muscles suggesting a serious level of frustration.
Mostly because he’s not seeing the living room of Bills general manager Brandon Beane.
I love chaos. And weirdness. And nothing says more about both than all the wacky things that might occur as the NFL holds its three-day draft in a virtual manner.
What could possibly go wrong?
Let us count the (lack of) bandwidth ways.
The league has said it will have cameras pointed on all 32 head coaches and general managers during the draft, just to make sure everyone is indeed working from home and not trying to steal the title of Biggest Cheaters in Sports from the Houston Astros.
Roger Goodell probably will be focusing on other matters from his basement, where the commissioner will be stationed while throwing darts at a board of Tom Brady’s face.
Goodell should really feel at home for the draft when loud boos come his way from the darkness of his personal cellar, at which time he will request his wife and daughters quiet down and go back upstairs.
I’m assuming a few general managers will seamlessly handle this new age manner in which to select prospects, while most are sure to be like Mike Mayock of the Raiders.
“If you could see my living room right now, it’s the ultimate low tech,” Mayock said. “I have five huge white boards and probably 1,000 magnets with names on them all over the place. I feel like I’m sitting in the middle of the 1976 draft room. It’s kind of back to the future … I’m 100 years old, so I’ve got to sit here and figure out how to screen share.”
Here’s how things reportedly would work in a perfect virtual world come Thursday: General managers will alert Ken Fiore, the league’s vice president of player personnel, of their selection. This will occur via conference call, Microsoft Teams message or email — or all three.
I’m envisioning a scene from “You’ve Got Mail.” Are the Lions finally going to make up for the past two decades of drafts by having Meg Ryan make their picks?
Also, do you know many times that specific Microsoft format freezes before alerting users with the error “something went wrong.” And, no, that won’t just be a special message for the Raiders if they select Jordan Love.
The league has said if any connection lags — like when it’s discovered Raiders coach Jon Gruden has slower internet speed than a Yemeni farmer — the draft has an ability to pause. Which really stinks, because what would be better at that point than a Yahoo Fantasy Football auto pick making the selection?
Just curious, though: Will the Dolphins receive a mulligan if they say the name Tua Tagovailoa over faulty cell reception as the fifth selection and Fiore instead hears Tega Wanogho?
Because, well, I have to tell you — Miami sure would be surprised when its new quarterback shows up weighing 308 pounds and goes by the name of Prince.
Wake up, Roger
Eh, I’m overreacting. Everything will be fine.
After all, once Fiore receives each selection, he will immediately relay it to Goodell in his man cave. And, as long as some IT person is there to wake the commissioner from his nap on the barcalounger and hand him a napkin to clean off the nacho cheese sauce from his vintage Jay-Z And Nas pajama shirt, this thing will work like a charm.
I just hope it doesn’t.
Come on. That weird Belichick scaring the hell out of some poor kid?
To be followed, of course, by The Hoodie mumbling into a walkie-talkie and telling those spies with binoculars he has situated in tree stands across 31 cities to immediately abort the mission.
Admit it. In what are some of the more bizarre times we have known, a little wackiness come Thursday might be just the thing we need. Smile. Sports are meant to be fun, even virtually.
Contact columnist Ed Graney at email@example.com or 702-383-4618. He can be heard on “The Press Box,” ESPN Radio 100.9 FM and 1100 AM, from 7 to 10 a.m. Monday through Friday. Follow @edgraney on Twitter.