Wife displays emotional dishonesty toward marriage

My son is 24, and has been married for two years. He has discovered his wife in an affair, and he is devastated. My daughter-in-law has asked for a divorce, telling my son, "I'm ending this marriage because I could never forgive myself." He tells me he could forgive her, and that he's willing to go to counseling and that now she wants to talk to him. What advice should I give him?

-- W.G., Las Vegas

Well, certainly I have seen competent marital therapy be a huge resource in supporting a couple who desire mutually to heal a betrayal. But that word "mutually" is, of course, the key. If she does "want to talk to him," if she is willing to do the hard work of confronting self and rebuilding what was lost or damaged, then me, the ever optimist, would champion their efforts to that end.

I wouldn't say your son needs advice as much as advocacy. He needs a friendly but firm face to remind him that all the forgiveness in the world won't change the outcome if, in his wife's heart of hearts, this behavior was designed to end a marriage she no longer wants.

When a husband or wife says, "I'm ending this marriage because I can never forgive myself ..." well, frankly, that remark is an emotional dishonesty. A ruse. Like pretending that divorce is some "favor" that one spouse does for another. It's not much different from a suicide note containing the line, "The world would be better off without me." And that's just crap.

If she leaves this marriage for that purported reason, I would tell your son that it's crap. She left the marriage because she couldn't endure in the work of marriage. Period. The end. Some folks just don't endure at great depths. It's really cruelly simple.

Your son wants a healthy marriage. The rub is that healthy marriages presuppose two people each committed to being healthy people. I wish them both well.

Last August, I told my husband of 12 years I wanted a separation. He asked for more time, and what could we work on to save our marriage. It is almost a year later and no one has moved anywhere. He has refused counseling. I will give him credit and say he and I both have tried to make some changes. Overall, I am still very unhappy with the status quo.

I see that I do not possess the strength or willpower to "kick him to the curb." I would like your advice/insight on how to get him to see that counseling is vital for both of us to find some peace and happiness in our marriage. I feel that the family, overall, would benefit from counseling. I think we have been a poor role model to our children on what a healthy marriage looks like and I would like them to evolve into well-adjusted, kind, loving adults.

-- D. S., Las Vegas

First, find a quiet space. Sit and close your eyes. Go inside yourself to that place where you always tell yourself the truth. Move 20 years into the future and imagine a friend asking you, "In a world of rampant divorce, tell me how you've pulled off a 32-year marriage."

Now, imagine saying to her: "Easy. I did not have the strength to leave it."

Now do the exercise again. This time imagine saying, "Because I chose him, I desired to have a thriving marriage with him, and nothing was going to stop me from doing the work necessary to that end."

This is an exercise inviting you to choose a worldview, and embrace a motive. Because, depending on your choice, this will have a lot to say about how you proceed.

Next, give him "The Speech." In your own words, of course. But basically it goes like this:

"Hey. I don't know what your resistance is to counseling. No need to explain because whatever it is, it's not relevant. Here's what's relevant: I'm your wife. I love you. I want to grow old with you, and I'm asking you to join me in marital therapy. You have nothing to lose. The worst that could happen is that the experience will be a complete waste of our time, and then you can say "Neener, neener I told you so.

"Say yes or say no. Because I'm not asking again. If no, then I'm going to pursue individual counseling, which, if I find a competent counselor, will provoke my growth as a person that, ironically, might well make the distance between us greater not smaller. I'm just saying."

Is "The Speech" provocative? Yep, and deliberately so.

Originally published in View News, Sept. 8, 2009.