Great sex embraces shameless transparency

I'm not in complete mastery over the effects of many years of trying to make a (bad) marriage work, followed by years of struggle as a single mom. Yep, limping, battered, distrustful. I've finally decided this whole process is very similar to the rebreaking and resetting of a mended bone.

Well, guess what? I'm engaged to be married! Still incomprehensible to me after finally resigning myself to perpetual singleness.

My question is very personal, but its answer may help others. I have had one lover only, ever. Although my fiance and I are abstaining from sex until marriage, I can tell this man is a very attentive, patient, giving, outward focused lover. Quite frankly (and this saddens me), I'll be getting the better part of the deal in bed. I want to have the means to fully participate in that aspect of marriage in such a way as to provide every possible enjoyment for him. However, I don't know where to find objective information on the aspects of love-making that are meant for couples who want to express genuine love and mutual respect in their relationships. Are there any good books on the subject?

-- D.M., Las Vegas

The means you seek aren't, strictly speaking, in any books. The means are within yourself. Great sex is never first about technique. Great sex is about a confrontation of self. And the willingness to confront ourselves takes courage. Which is why so many people use sex in ways to guarantee they never have to confront themselves.

You, however, already have mobilized the courage to confront yourself. You are already well on your way to some very beautiful places.

It is the nature of great sex -- its very purpose -- to turn us inside out. Unsettle us. To dismantle us. Tear us limb from limb. Reduce us in surrendered ecstasy at once to nothing and everything. We forget ourselves; yet, are never more ourselves. It is regularly joyous, yet sometimes disquieting.

Ah, the willingness to be disquieted: If you think about it, that's the only way to get to joy!

One of my favorite images of great sex (and great marriage, for that matter) comes to us from the ancient Hebrews, who, in the Genesis story of creation, pop off this cosmic one-liner: "And Adam and Eve stood together naked, and were not ashamed."

The Hebrews weren't being sophomoric. Rather, archetypal. Taking off our clothes is the easy part of nakedness. Again, the irony:

Tonight in Las Vegas a ton of folks will be taking off their clothes to make certain they are never naked! Nope, the Hebrew story speaks to the vocation of marriage -- a shameless transparency of self that we might know and be known. This is where you're going, D.M.

I guarantee you, however, that when we dare expose ourselves in nakedness, one of the many things exposed is precisely shame! But didn't I just quote an ancient wisdom saying "naked and not ashamed." See, that's the delicious paradox! That we could dare not to be ashamed even of shame!

For everyone, D.M., great sex includes "getting naked" with our partners about our sexual insecurity. Our self-consciousness and fears. Our feelings of inadequacy. Our shame, to the end that it is transformed into a shameless shame. If your man is who you say, then he will receive this "nakedness" with all patience and generosity. It will be yet another movement of intimacy.

Connected thusly in trust and transparency, then, whatever your anatomical learning curve or ignorance of technique, such things become not a problem but a playground. And, sure, at this point you might turn to books and other reference material. I recommend "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch.

One more thing:

Of course, I laud your desire to love your man. To bring him the gift of great sex. But, may I drop one last wrinkle into this mix?

One of the most powerful and precious gifts we can offer our lover is to claim the joy of great sex for ourselves. To decide that we deserve it. To get into bed with a bit of a mercenary swagger, a twinkle in our eye, and the implicit message "Try to keep up, cowboy, because I'm clear about what I want out of this!"

Women who shamelessly possess their own sexuality make men feel like kings.

Originally published in View News, Dec. 8, 2009.