Distinguishing guilt and grief
I just finished reading your (February 8th) column for the 3rd time. I was honestly moved to tears the first time I read it. You seem to have summed up my life to a tee; almost as if you knew me.
The relationship I have with my mother is virtually non-existent. Because of the past drama and verbal damage, I choose to remove myself altogether, except for an occasional greeting card, which I find myself sending out of guilt (what kind of daughter shuts her mother out of her life?)
Everything you wrote, I have felt. I have never seen anything like the column you wrote and I would like to tell you that you have set me free! My husband has stood behind me and my decision to distance myself from her, but there has always been that twinge I feel in the pit of my stomach. I don't know if it's guilt, regret, shame or some other non-productive emotion, I only know it cuts like a knife. I will be 50 in April, and my mother just turned 73 in January. Am I going to regret this decision when she passes? I won't know until that time. But as for now, the present, I will stand by my choice. I will focus on the good things life has to offer and enjoy the company of my family. I will continue to offer advice when asked and try my hardest not to dwell on things that might have been.
Thank you again for an insightful bit of reading. I have cut it out of the paper and will read it often. T.B., Las Vegas
Once we have exhausted the possibility that we "are guilty" (that is, that we have been a derelict son/daughter for some causal reason of impudence, pride, or selfishness), then I think the trick is to replace 'guilt' with the word grief. It is GRIEF that cuts like a knife. Grief that breaks our heart.
It's a sad, sad day when closely guarded distance is the only way to have a healthy relationship with your mother or father.
It's sad, T.B. Try just letting it be very sad.
As I said in the original column, it hurts to lose respect for someone you once respected, or, to lose respect for someone you so desperately WANTED to respect.
Inside every child is the archetypal wish for "the good parent." Surrendering this wish is a crushing loss.
My prejudice is: The sooner we let it be a crushing loss, the sooner we can have and heal that grief towards the end of our own new freedom to be whole and happy.
Thanks for reading, and for taking the time to write.
