Defining relationships helps determine appropriate reaction

A couple of months ago, I learned that my husband was having what I consider to be an "emotional affair" for several years. It was an Internet (e-mail) relationship, one that evolved from a professional relationship to a personal relationship because they both were experiencing marital problems. He claims it was never physical. Once I confronted him, he claims he ended the relationship and wants to work on repairing our marriage.

I'm terribly hurt and betrayed. We have been married for 20 years and admittedly have had a tough time these last few years. I know that I share equally in our marital problems and we have started counseling. I feel very torn. We have two preteen children and part of me wants to repair our relationship. Part of me feels I would be a fool to stay and that there is nothing he can do to apologize or make it up to me. Am I being stupid to want to stay? What do you have to do to "get over it"? -- T.L., Las Vegas

First, let's see if we can agree on a glossary of sorts. All of these things betray the covenant of committed, exclusive relationship, but each is different. Each has its own special signature. And, most importantly, each presents differences in the injury that will require healing.

FANTASY

It began with prostitutes, evolved (devolved?) to pornography and morphed to the 900 number, but the advent of the Net -- its anonymity, its unaccountability -- took it to a new level. And now it is more or less free. Whereas before a human fantasy was left to the devises of the mere individual imagination, now an actual human being can join you in real time role play with no necessary limits. A ton of modern people find themselves trading sexual innuendo and abject delusions with people they've never met -- and will never really meet -- via e-mail, texting and instant messaging.

THE POTENTIALLY-INTIMATE-RELATIONSHIP-IN-THE-HOLE

This is a staple for folks who insist on keeping one foot hanging out the window of radical exclusivity. The folks don't do anything "wrong." They don't cheat. They don't have an affair. They simply groom, nurture and nourish one or two relationships with others along the lines of "what if." What if we were single? What if we had the opportunity to explore a relationship? Yeah boy. I'll bet we'd make a great couple.

CHEATING

I use this word to describe people in committed relationships open to -- or sometimes actively seeking -- recreational sex with others. Meaning, sexual encounters more or less anonymous. One time things. Opportunistic things, while traveling or out and about. Men do this tons more than women. And these men often think of this behavior as more of a vice than a betrayal. More like sneaking a cigarette after they promised their mate they would quit smoking. They deny marital unrest or discontent. They would protest their love for their wife. When caught, these men are crushed and heartbroken when their partner dumps them. Can you say "blithe narcissism"?

ACTUAL AFFAIRS

These relationships are personal, emotional, sexual, and have continuity and intention. Within these relationships, folks fall in love. They forge powerful bonds. Actual affairs devastate committed relationships. In the significant majority of cases, beyond repair.

EMOTIONAL AFFAIRS

An actual affair without the sex. And yes, the absence of sex does matter. Emotional affairs are hurtful and consequential, but easier to repair than actual affairs.

I said all that to say this, T.L.: Are you sure this was an emotional affair? Based on your description, I'm unconvinced it wasn't an absurd fantasy.

Whatever you decide it was, you have a decision to make. You have to make a judgment call: Is this a moment of your husband's childish, ego-weakness? Or something indicative of a deeper issue of character?

Are you stupid? You already know the answer. No.

You say "a part of (you) feels (you) would be a fool to stay."

T.L., of course you'd be a fool to stay. But that isn't saying anything significant. All journeys of forgiveness are fools' journeys. Only fools love, ache, anguish, suffer ... and forgive one another.

Being a fool for the hope of forgiveness and redemption makes a lot more sense than being a damned fool, yes?

Originally published in View News, March 3, 2009.