Animals make excellent metaphors for candidates’ traits

Welcome to "Animal Farm, 2010," where the mammals are mere metaphors and the real critters are the ones courting your vote.

Republican U.S. Senate frontrunner Sue Lowden recently sent the state Democratic Party into hysterics with her comment that medical patients should use cash to "barter" with their physician for health care. Presumably, Lowden meant to illustrate how there are alternatives to the elephantine health care reform legislation signed by President Barack Obama.

The remark was followed by Democratic Party Communications Director Phoebe Sweet's entertaining bit of theater. She carried a goat into Lowden's campaign headquarters and said, "I tried to trade this goat for some health care, and my doctor looked at me like I'm crazy."

Not half as crazy as Lowden, who again failed to sufficiently self-edit her supposedly experienced public speaking. If anyone ever stops laughing long enough to think about her statement, she might have some explaining to do. If the wealthy former beauty queen and television anchor had hoped to appeal to the working class, she's missed an opportunity.

Fortunately for Lowden, I don't think many people care what she says. As long as she promises she's in no way associated with or related to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, she might be able to weather any metaphorical misstep into a rhetorical cow pie.

But that gets me thinking. Bringing animals into Campaign 2010 isn't such a bad idea. They make excellent metaphors for the best and worst traits of our candidates.

Conservative critics of Reid, for instance, are sure to want to call R.C. Farms and order a dozen fat porkers. The senator from Searchlight brags about bringing home the bacon while his detractors remind us Democrats are little better than pigs at the public trough.

To illustrate Reid's importance to Nevada, Democrats might counter by producing a blue-ribbon "cash cow" with swollen teats and a limitless milking capacity.

Chickens carry their own imagery, as do sheep, but I suppose we must reserve a goose for Sen. John Ensign. And given his much-publicized marital indiscretion and ensuing scandal, I'll wager he's more steer than bull around the Ensign Ranch these days.

When it comes to appreciating the connections between the animal kingdom and the political kingmakers, few locals have as much experience as Las Vegas Zoological Park Director Pat Dingle. The zoo, at 1775 N. Rancho Drive, these days is a haven for political metaphor hunters.

Dingle notes at the outset the Barbary apes commonly jump up and down and make loud noises. And, yes, on occasion they have been known to throw their own fecal matter.

Hey, it's just like watching C-SPAN when Congress is in session.

Dingle reminds me Terry the chimp is a 30-year-old male. That not only makes him old enough to run for Senate, but his political partisanship is already revealing itself.

"We let him watch anything on television but Fox News," Dingle says. "It gets him riled up. I guess he's a Democrat."

His tour continues.

"Then we've got the alligators, who are just waiting for you to reach out your hand to them. I don't know where on the political spectrum they fit in. Pretty much everywhere, in a pinch."

The zoo offers ostriches that really do hide their heads and macaws and cockatoos that can mimic anything but are incapable of an original thought.

"Don't forget the native raven," Dingle says. "He loves to say hello, but he loves to eat roadkill even more."

Of course, if after all this help you remain unsure about the species and breed of political animal that best suits the candidate of your desire, you can safely fall back on a one-size-fits-all choice.

A horse.

Or at least one end of it.

John L. Smith's column appears Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. E-mail him at Smith@reviewjournal.com or call (702) 383-0295. He also blogs at lvrj.com/blogs/smith.