Baboons’ word skills could bring unintended consequences

Public school kids are regularly criticized for falling behind in their reading, but the good news is that inhabitants of lower rungs on the evolutionary ladder appear to be moving closer to the front of the class.

I speak, of course, of the widely circulated stories detailing research reported in the journal Science about six Guinea baboons and their ability to distinguish genuine, four-letter English words from non-words. While that ability to tell four-letter words apart would appear to rank the monkeys ahead of the average neighborhood graffiti vandal, researchers insist the baboons aren't exactly reading.

At least not yet.

But neither have they been sitting around the lab picking ticks and throwing their feces. These baboons have been studying.

Over a six-week period, scientists from Aix-Marseille University in France found that the baboons learned how to cull and identify as many as 308 words from a long list that included 7,832 non-words, according to Reuters. That high mark is held by a baboon named Dan. His classmate Violette scored an 81. She now has a tutor.

News reports note that each monkey scored higher than 50 percent, with the group averaging 75 percent. Dandy Dan appears to have been at the head of the class with a 90.

Word is Dan is now seeking a government loan to pursue a transfer to a university that offers a greater variety of word choices. I'm told he's already pledged a fraternity and plans to augment his living expenses by appearing as the guest of host Chuck Woolery on the popular TV game show "Lingo."

Being able to distinguish words from non-words is important, of course. But as President George W. Bush proved, it need not be an impediment to attaining high political office in this country. Although Bush didn't actually coin the word "strategery" -- it was first uttered by Will Ferrell on "Saturday Night Live" -- it came to symbolize the creative language choices of the plain-spoken president.

If Dan's 308-word total doesn't seem like so much -- several of my own family members have him beat -- it's important to remember what the prolific French writer Georges Simenon once said about maintaining a simple vocabulary. Simenon wrote hundreds of novels, and he said he drew from the same pool of 2,000 words. Why? Because he wanted to write to his readers, and the average Frenchman was comfortable with fewer than 600 words.

In that context, Dan's achievement is especially impressive. Sure, he's less than human. But by my count that makes him more than half a Frenchman.

Baboons aren't the only primates able to learn. Watch The National Geographic Channel, and you'll see that chimps and apes can already communicate. You can also view this phenomenon in action by watching the 6 o'clock news.

Although it's an unscientific hypothesis, I have long suspected baboons were picking up the language after reading the anonymous postings of Internet snipers responding to my columns. Like Dan, they know plenty of four-letter words.

Even the lesser baboons in the study managed to distinguish more than 50 percent of the words in question, which is a higher mark than the average phone text-obsessed teen ager would score.

It's not yet clear whether Dan the baboon understands LOL, BFF and LMAO, but give him time.

That's what I find disconcerting about this whole monkey-works-the-crosswords thing. Where will it all end?

After giving it some thought, I've decided I don't like the idea of baboons distinguishing words and one day learning to read. The next thing you know, they will learn to write. Shortly after that, I'll start getting nasty letters to the editor.

Inevitably, the angry, typing baboons will want their own column.

And, frankly, I don't need the competition.

John L. Smith's column appears Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. Email him at Smith@reviewjournal.com or call 702-383-0295. He also blogs at lvrj.com/blogs/smith.