Las Vegas’ new status as stressville requires reworked slogan

Forbes recently ranked Las Vegas as America's "most stressful city."

To paraphrase the American philosopher Carl Spackler: "So we've got that going for us, which is nice."

And to think it was only a year ago Las Vegas was ranked No. 20 on the Forbes list of places beset by urban maladies ranging from high unemployment and home foreclosure to tumbling real estate prices and crumbling quality of life. Talk about good times. Those were the days.

Now the magazine that touts itself as a business publication, but attracts the public's interest most when it ranks things, has chosen to shoot Las Vegas like a carp in a barrel. For 2010, we've shot up the rankings to No. 1. Cue the laugh track.

I'm not disputing the ranking. The truth is as obvious as the plywood nailed over your neighbors' windows. Although denying the undeniable is what Las Vegans do best, it's hard to argue with 14.8 percent unemployment and a reputation for having the nation's highest concentration of home mortgage foreclosure and fraud. Times are tough.

But if being No. 1 has you feeling like No. 2, there's hope. Rather than blasting the magazine for kicking us when we're down or taking the criticism as a wake-up call that rallies our community spirit, I think we should focus on the easy upside: The potential for cheap tourist marketing.

I can almost see the minds at R&R Partners and the Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Authority trying to craft a catchy promotional campaign out of the Forbes face slap. Although Las Vegas has crafted an international reputation as a place people visit to shake up their regular lives and relieve their stress, actually living here is another matter. Locals once commonly believed Las Vegans thrived on the inherent stress of the gambling resort culture.

It turns out they were just experiencing a really long adrenaline rush that could lead to a cerebral hemorrhage.

Remember back when "What happens here, stays here" was all the rage?

For that matter, do you remember when the people who came here seeking shadowy sexual liaisons weren't your junior U.S. senator?

But I digress.

Beyond a massive home mortgage bailout and the creation of 100,000 jobs that don't require either a deck of cards or a pole to perform, what we appear to need is a clever line to accompany our new status.

Consider:

■ "Las Vegas: We got your stress, right here."

■ "Las Vegas: High systolic, nonstop frolic."

■ "Las Vegas: High times, higher cholesterol."

■ "Las Vegas: We make down-and-out look good."

■ "Las Vegas: Unemployment checks gladly accepted."

■ "Las Vegas: Win a home? Hey, pal, at these prices, you can win a whole neighborhood."

■ "Las Vegas: We're begging you."

■ "Las Vegas: What happens here, now has a lien on it in bankruptcy court."

■ "Las Vegas: When we say graveyard shift, we really mean graveyard."

Stress or no stress, I suppose it would be in poor taste to have Tony Bennett sing, "I left my heart attack, here in Las Vegas."

As always, gentle readers, the LVCVA and I solicit your assistance in developing just the right one-liner that will not only convey the proper message but also will help us get back on our feet. Submit your best work, and I will share it with the world.

One last observation before they turn out the lights. It occurs to me that some casino industry entrepreneurs might at this moment be scheming to cash in on our new status. But, you have to ask yourself: How many ghost town-themed resorts can one city support?

Meanwhile, don't hide. We're No. 1. Wear it with pride.

And don't forget to take your blood pressure medicine.

John L. Smith's column appears Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. E-mail him at Smith@reviewjournal.com or call (702) 383-0295. He also blogs at lvrj.com/blogs/smith.