Nudity demands deliberation

If you're one of the legions of adults who frequent nudie shows on the Strip, I'd like to introduce you to a fun new drinking game. It's called "Real, Fake, Uneven." Figure out the rules for yourself.

This week, some of us in the media got a gander at the new twists added to one of the big topless shows, Luxor's "Fantasy," overseen by the creative hands of Chris Judd and Anita Mann.

Let's be honest, shall we? "Fantasy" is an hour-plus of hot, topless women dancing around to music video-ish choreography. It's naked, naked, pivot, naked. The only discombobulating thing is the choreography moves too fast.

My theory: Sexy is always sexier at half-speed. There's a similar corollary for horror movies: Movie zombies and monsters are scarier at half-speed, such as Michael Myers in "Halloween." If you want to be sexy and/or scary, chill, lady, chill.

You can see the Doug Elfman Half-Speed Sexy Rule in effect during sexier parts of "MGM Grand's Crazy Horse Paris" and New York-New York's "Zumanity." Depending on your proclivities, you can't go wrong with any of these shows, but here are your bottom lines:

"Zumanity" is the surreal, athletic, naked-y blow-out with interactive scenes for open-minded eyes. "Crazy Horse Paris" stages boutique, classic-Euro art movements, in the super-duper nude. "Fantasy" is naked girls dancing American-style, boing, boing. There you have it.

CLASS VERSUS CRASS

Look for more details in today's Neon section on these concerts, but in a nutshell:

• 100 percent class/zero percent crass: Tony Bennett sings today and Saturday at the Hilton ($91.91-$124.91). The guy is 82, and he's still got one of the biggest pop voices. Incredible.

• 100 percent class/zero percent crass: Seal on Saturday at Green Valley Ranch ($42-$83.50). You can't say much bad about the guy who sang "Kiss From a Rose," unless you hate "Kiss From a Rose."

• 75 percent class/25 percent crass: Lindsey Buckingham on Saturday at the Hard Rock ($33-48.50). You might think he's 100 percent class. But those 1970s years playing guitar and writing songs in Fleetwood Mac did result in serious drama.

• 70 percent class/30 percent crass: Janet Jackson today at Mandalay Bay ($55.75-$150.75). Her show is reported to be 21/2 hours. Whoa. Long show.

• 50 percent class/50 percent crass: Common, NERD on Sunday at House of Blues. Here's your best bet pop concert, if you like high-quality hip-hop.

• Zero percent class/100 percent crass: Kid Rock on Saturday at the Palms ($100-$200). His "All Summer Long" hit is the worst thing ever. But Kid Rock usually rocks a stage with Mick Jagger-like swagger. That's high praise, indeed.

Doug Elfman's column appears Sundays, Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact him at 702-383-0391 or at delfman@reviewjournal.com. He blogs at reviewjournal.com/elfman.